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Edit: I got my answer pretty much. It seems she’ll avoid me throughout the day now and it’s pretty apparent she never had an interest in me. Somehow she thought I was or something. I really didn’t want to have this happen again, I don’t even try to.. but now I gotta find a way to move on…

The last woman I was interested in ended in a bad way. Feeling rejected I told myself to never get involved with anyone ever again, especially a co worker, hence my previous post was centered around a co worker who seemed to have the hots for me.

Well soon after I wrote that post I became interested. Its unclear if she is still interested or even ever was, it could have been me subconsciously trying to make it seem like she was, but maybe it’s just me interested and she’s probably just wondering why I don’t really talk like what most of the other men do there.

The biggest hurdle for me right now is the fear of being rejected again. I didn’t take it too well the last time and it’s really not fun to have to deal with it with having to see the person at work after they rejected you. So now history is repeating itself and now I have been stupid enough to get too involved where I should have been more firm with my rule, don’t date a co worker. That includes talking to them possibly sparking an infatuation with them.

I don’t know this woman’s name but I find her attractive which doesn’t help and I have been avoiding the idea of sparking a social encounter but every morning I work, I’ve been saying hi and smiling to her hoping that she’ll make the first move. It probably won’t work causing her to move on and possibly making things way too awkward and I’ll end up spiraling down even further by never getting involved with a woman.

But at the same time she seems like the type to want kids or already has one and that’s another problem, I don’t want kids. Mainly I don’t want to bring someone into this world because of all the hate, corruption, greed and high cost of living. I’m ok with adopting when I’m financially well. The fact im barely holding it together financially trying to get a new car, a 2019 or 2020 Dodge Challenger and I’ll most likely end up with the V6 3.6L version. Which is fine because I don’t need the Hemi V8 or the 800hp Dodge Demon until I’m retired anyway.

Back to this woman I’m just not sure if it’s a good idea to get involved mainly due to kids. Of course I haven’t even really talked to her because I’m too mentally unstable to deal with another rejection case. It would actually be worse if I started talking to her because I would be more likely to have an emotional bond with her and if things go south, I’ll end up with a worse psyche than I already got and with women, I’m already fractured to the point of no return. So while I’m flirting with this danger I think that if she is one of those women who will approach me it’ll be less painful, but if she forces me to try which i am trying little by little it’s already leading to problems. Other then the morning I have had no luck in trying to bump into her making it seem like this isn’t going to work.

And believe me for the most part i haven’t cared. It was until she started saying morning is when I started getting interested but anywhere else I seen her it was always stupid glances or stares. So while every morning we can say our hello, that’s about as far as I’m willing to take it unless something happens or she decides to approach me it’s unlikely we’ll even be work friends. I’m at least interested in that but if I do too much work to try to talk to her it’ll never work out because I would get too obsessed over her and right now I’m just sort of rattled but if she left today I’d be able to move on easy but most likely avoid any other interaction with other women. If she can’t help me no one else will be capable of handling the task because I’ll be putting my foot down declaring I won’t ever get involved with any woman, even if she makes very signal in the world to get me involved.

I’m just in terrible shape and getting rattled over her without even knowing her shows how bad my mental state is with women really is. I’m not ready for a relationship or dating and I’m not sure if I’m capable of a female work friend yet. Hopefully she understands it’s going to take time for me to work through this and all I can do is take it one step at a time, try to deal with day to day, not the future. If it doesn’t work out it’s more of a reason for me not to get involved with someone. We’ll see but I’m not getting my hopes up with this woman. I am not ready to go through another rejection and already it seems like she may have started to give up but for now the mornings are working well.

The best part is im working in the nearby plant so I can at least focus on trying to make myself more comfortable around her and she may feel comfortable enough to have a brief conversation if she’s really that interested. Doesn’t help that there are other women that the guys have been trying to get me to talk to awhile back but since i won’t be there for several days it might be easier to interact with her throughout the day later on.. but it’ll be difficult because these other two women are constantly around one of them keeps staring in my general location and that just is way uncomfortable and I’m trying to focus on the one i lije who looks more my age. I’m 39 and these other woman must be in their 20s. Either way I don’t have any interest in them even if the one i like doesn’t work out.

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I had an idea which can only benefit both ways. I’m rescheduling my hours so I dont run into this woman I’ve been talking about (I dont even know her name, that is how timid I am now). She usually shows up at 5-6am so I’ll work in the plant (plant 5) at 4am to 445am instead of being there at 5. I’ll clock out and work the remainder in plant 4 (considering there is plenty of stuff to do but want to stay there) and wait and see. Maybe she’ll wonder what happened and try to find me which will be really easy.

Otherwise I can just move on at least without having to bear my mistakes in front of me by having more awkward moments and it’ll be more difficult to move on if shes really not interested and I have to see her every so often.

If there was a connection though, she will try to find me as this has happened in the past and I didn’t even speak to those women, but they had a way of popping up in weird locations where basically I end up walking right up to them without even realizing it. Same thing could happen here. It all depends on the person I guess and however long it takes me to forget that person.

Just this time I hope I’m not timid enough to not say anything. Hopefully I’ll smile and have a conversation. It doesn’t stop the fact I’m just terrible with women but perhaps I need to figure out instinctively on what to do. And this is about the only thing I can figure out how to do that while stopping the craziness on whether there really is a connection.

My problem with women. I should stop trying to ask them out. It’s clear I’m not ready for that and should focus on being friends with them, especially if there is a spark, I’m just too frightened by crushes.

The problem is, I’m not ready. People want to rush me into relationships. They want to play cupid and that simply wont work. Even if I feel there is a connection with someone I’m not going to rush into it. Not at all. It’ll simply be a brief conversation and only once in awhile. I just will not push it and I will use my timidness toward women I like.

I need to stop listening to advice because it’s no good. I’m nowhere near that level of confidence yet and I got to just stick to what I am comfortable with.

This woman I have been talking about has been avoiding me ever since I thought she had agreed to meet. But now besides being terrified of her (and I’m already extremely timid around her) I may have to cut my overtime hours in the plant where she works. But now I really feel bad for even suggesting the thought we would hang out..

I dont even feel comfortable in that plant anymore and I’ve been working in a different plant. I didn’t foresee this problem but unfortunately I just did it again. And now I’m losing money… all because of my stupidity. I really hate crushes and an attraction towards someone because now it’s just painful. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What did I do to provoke angry spirits that made this even possible? Its Kaitlyn all over again.

All I feel now is pain of losing another possible soulmate. If she ever was one in the first place. I know I’ve gotten a little angry over women who have rejected me, but not this current woman. No all I feel is sadness and fear. I am just so tired of feeling a shred of happiness only to plunge down into pain and despair. I know shes only one eo6man out of thousands but why are all the ones I encounter always running away from me? I dont know, lack of confidence or I don’t say the right things at the right moment.

I’m so tired of this pain. It just wont go away. I am depressed…

Clandestinely Now from Solution .45 is playing in my head currently.

Well I managed to talk to this woman I like at work today, it all went well.. I even asked her if she wanted lunch. She wasn’t sure but then ended up saying yes.

Unfortunately I hit a snag. She either bailed or had a very important phone call. I may have pushed it a little too much by asking her to lunch. At first I thought it was, welp shes not really interested.

However I think it’s more likely I scared her away. Because she seemed like she was interested.. but perhaps shes very timid. I tend to be that way too..

Clearly thinking about this for a minute she may just need additional coaxing. Which works on my level because I myself am that way. I was kind of hoping that maybe we could have alleviated that by getting to know one another. So basically I’m going to have to change my process.

I hope I didn’t damage this too much but well, I’ll let her approach me now. If she seems too distant then maybe shes really not interested. Well next time I’ll just smile and wave at her. Or.. something. But I do get the impression she might be interested.. just very timid.

Pain and peril, mutation of me.
Alone I’ve dwelled in the dark surrounding me.
Chained in hell by the new one in me.
It found a way from hell defiling my dreams.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts call the shots.

Pain and peril, delusions set free.
I’ve paid the price in the night of a misty dream.
Change and peril, the darkness calls me.
They came through me, from hell beneath the trees.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts bring my fall.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

With strength I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

In pain I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

I found it harder to come back.
I found the surface more dark
than its been before and I’ve
been fighting for a long time.

Why am I afraid to be alive?
What have I done to feel confined?
What did I do to feel this way?
The only thing I feel is the pain.

The pain.

I’ve seen my holocaust.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

Scarred by the faceless demons I’ve been
Scarred by my flesh-eating thoughts I’ve been
Scarred to the point where the pain, it won’t stop

I needed to hear this song because besides different meanings this song speaks what I am currently facing (see last posts) why am I so afraid of relationships or friendships?

Among the reasons why I don’t consider relationships the main reason is i can’t handle them. But also I’m afraid of friendships so I stick to colleagues. Among failing to see the facts that the ones I like are not obtainable. Perhaps it’s me. I don’t really know but this song resonates this. Also here’s another along the same theme.

The price of existence.
Our stagnant bodies bound
in a time of the living.
And nothing’s what it’s been.

I have drowned in this vague world.
We pretend, but the madness always on deep
inside our sleeping state, where our black thoughts thrive.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed.
Hidden deep down in me.

Failure of resistance.
Welcome, the wave of rage.
So far in the distance, but so close in our blood and veins.

I’ll fight this sentence.
Nothing’s real inside this scope.
I’ll fight my condition.
Nothing will ever break or harm, us strange.

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed. Hidden deep down in me.

We’ll face them all.
We’ll face them all.
We’ll take it all.
We’ll take it all.

How can I be so afraid of living?
We’re the ghosts of this world.

I’m tired of this mess.
I’m tired of thoughts eating myself from the inside out.

I’ve waited so long and the only thing I know.
No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be free.

But nothing seems to ever unfold.
At least my sight calms somewhat.
I’m living this curse and I don’t know what to feel inside me now.

The filth, the black has almost swallowed me.
In a time, where the compulsions have start to feast.
I’ve been drowned by the sickness that’s controlling me.
In a time where no-one seems care one bit.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

Oh no not another anti-EV post. We’ll it’s here because this past week has been another fun round of what electric car is being discussed today. I’m already tired of having to explain why I don’t want one to EV enthusiasts.

With people clamoring about climate change and the recent green protests by children no less (it happened in the 70s I think) yet I’m not ready to give up on gasoline (internal combustion) engines yet. And why buy a car you’re going to hate to drive. I have driven an EV and there is only only one gear. An automatic transmission vehicle is more fun to drive but I really like manual ones better. Nothing more than feeling that surge of power with very gear shift. I haven’t bought one mainly because it would end up a hassle on daily driving. Plus I’d like to hire an instructor or a friend to show me what I can or can’t do so I’m not ruining the drivetrain. I’ve driven a few manuals in the past, recently in 2004 on my grandfather’s ranch (now my uncles) had driven a Suzuki around the farm and it was pretty easy even though I probably tore the thing apart it was just fun to drive.

If you can’t find joy in driving a vehicle you drive then it’ll seem worse when you are annoyed by other drivers. Even though that will happen regardless and daily driving sometimes feel repetitive there are times when you can have fun and enjoy your vehicle, it’s better if the vehicle is made for fun sort of like a Dodge Challenger, a lot of horsepower will make you smile.

Electric vehicles take the fun out of it. Even with modern automatic transmissions they made it so you hardly ever feel any gear shifts. Hence the fun with manual transmissions. You feel the momentary loss of power then re-engage when you shift to another gear. Its a lot of fun but i haven’t driven one in awhile so it would take some getting used to and I prefer not to be in heavy traffic trying to relearn it. If I was out in the country though I’d jump at the chance. Another is reduced fuel economy with manual, automatics are more fuel efficient so as a daily driver autos are better if you are a bit concerned with that. Especially in stop and go traffic it makes sense for an automatic. Unless you absolutely want a manual.

So besides the batteries in an EV, the lack of experience with them, there is not even a real interesting EV out there, reliability factors and the fact they don’t feel right I really just hate the idea of EVs replacing gas. Hopefully the U.S. and especially Illinois won’t force people to drive them any time soon because other countries have and really considering less than 12% of emissions are caused by cars. So switching over wouldn’t make a difference and climate change will happen no matter what. We can’t control it.

We need ground rules to prevent carbon taxes, forced EV adoption and hopefully people will fight to keep gas vehicles from being banned or shunned away due to some scientists with a government paycheck and environmentalists who positively believe that gas vehicles harm the planet (the same people who say warming up your car harms the engine). It doesn’t take a genius to see that from the recent EV craze comes the crazy environmentalist who think we need to get off fossil fuels in 10 years or we’ll pay the price.

Many auto manufacturers are investing in electric vehicle production like GM and VW, that actually scares me if people start opting to buy one. Sure it’ll sell in places where EVs are widely adopted but I do hope they do research and see that EVs are not a good replacement for gas. Most of the adoption comes from environmentalists or EV enthusiasts that care about 1/4 mile runs.

The problem is that the government won’t stop making laws, laws that could potentially kill the gas vehicles in favor of trying to save the planet (even though it won’t do any good) by imposing carbon taxes or preventing manufactures from selling gas vehicles. In the end the cost of living will go up on those unwilling or unable to give up on gas vehicles.

If these electric vehicles are the future then I don’t want to be a part of that future, because its depressing. I don’t have a problem with clean energy but that doesn’t mean we should give up on gas vehicles. Someone could invent a 0% emissions catalytic converter or a cleaner fuel that will be effective in combustion engines. Why give that up so that people have a choice instead of being forced to buy an EV if they don’t want to.

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