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Illinois end-of-year budget deficit to top $6B

Illinois has a total of $14.9 billion deficit. And no one is doing anything about it. The result, higher taxes and population decrease, Illinois loses more residents in 2016 than any other state / https://www.illinoispolicy.org/reports/still-leaving-illinois-an-exodus-of-people-and-money/

This also drives up the constant violence Chicago faces, 8 shot in Lawndale: ‘This is just the city we live in’

High taxes and poor education isn’t helping much in the state of Illinois. The biggest problem is that there isn’t anything being done to rectify the deficit. The increase in taxes won’t help, Illinois Senate Passes Budget, Tax Increase

“You pay the highest property taxes in America. We’ve got to change that. We’ve got to bring our property taxes down over time. And the way to start is to do a true, long-term property tax freeze and give you – all the people of Illinois – the power, the ability to decide, if and when and how your property taxes move,” Rauner said during the Facebook Live. “That’s what we’re pushing for. We’ll never give up on that push. And that’s the stumbling block right now.”

Consequently people are leaving Illinois. Why pay ridiculous tax rates when you can move somewhere where taxes are not as high.

700+ days without an Illinois Budget; Local school district could close if nothing passes

Duct Tape.jpg

Bottom line is Illinois has leaders who have no idea on how to budget. Illinois needs to stop spending money on useless things such as researching on whether they want to build a road, in fact they should stop building new roads and fix the problems with the roads they do have. Increasing tolls, taxes, gas prices and the overall cost of living will only hurt the state in the long run. Illinois has to come up with a budget that cuts all the useless spending out. And with a $14.9 billion deficit, i think it’s time to cut unnecessary spending.

Kathy Griffin has quickly found out how doing something very wrong has some pretty pricey consequences. Please note, this is not a post to harass anyone, including Kathy Griffin. So don’t come on my blog saying i’m being mean or whatever.

Kathy Griffin

Kathy Griffin apologizes for photo shoot with bloodied Trump mask, says she ‘went too far’

After seeing that photo, it took me a bit to figure out what she has done reading some of the articles and needless to say what Kathy has done was unacceptable. To find this funny you have to be some kind of sick individual to begin with. Shortly after she posted these photos, a whole bunch of people were furious and she knew right away that what she did was wrong, immediately apologized and begged for forgiveness. However, if you are creating a life like head of someone, bloody it, then post it like a barbarian you already know what you are doing. And she thought this was a joke? It seems to me she was pretty serious about wanting Donald Trump dead. Using her comedy routine to vent frustration over Trump being president isn’t exactly the best thing.

Then this happened, Barron Trump Thought Kathy Griffin’s Beheaded Trump Image Was His Dad

Trump family sources tell us Barron was in front of the TV watching a show when the news came on and he saw the bloody, beheaded image. We’re told he panicked and screamed, “Mommy, Mommy!”

As it was put to us, “He’s 11. He doesn’t know who Kathy Griffin is and the head she was holding resembled his dad.”

Melania called out Kathy, saying what she did was disturbing, wrong and “makes you wonder about [her] mental health.”

Could you imagine a kid, having to go through the possibility of one of your parents being dead, murdered no less. Some people also believe Barron is autistic although i couldn’t find any concrete evidence of that.  Trump Family Has ‘Made It Very Clear’ What They Think of Kathy Griffin

If that’s not enough..  ‘He broke me’: A defiant, tearful Kathy Griffin slams attacks by Trump and his family

“I’m not good at being appropriate,” she said. “I’m only good at doing comedy one way. It’s in your face. I’m going to make fun of the president. And I’m going to do it more now.” 

Kathy Griffin Tiger woods

Kathy Griffin loses remainder of her tour gigs in wake of Donald Trump severed head scandal after dramatic press conference

Here is the full Kathy Griffin press conference,

After watching the video, she does seem sincere in her apology but at the same time she has some kind of mental illness. Many people won’t forgive her for her misdeeds and that is a big problem in this world today. Not to mention there is a whole lot of hate going around, Kathy and Trump are both catalysts for hate. The masses just follows, it’s basically “hate spreads like wildfire”.

As a Christian, we follow the mindset of forgiving people for their misdeeds, even if they do something really awful such as what Kathy Griffin did. At the same time, we must learn from our mistakes. Some people refuse to learn from their mistakes, such as the transgender activism. They often blame others for their own actions and instead of saying “ok, well people feel really strongly about being against transgender people so we need to talk to the doctor and find another form of treatment besides transitioning” they say and continue to say “your a bigot, you are uneducated, i hope people like you become extinct like the dinosaurs” which again fuels hate and rage. We can’t have some sort of common ground and with the Kathy Griffin scenario, there is a lot of hate being spewed around.

We live in a Godless society where people are doing what they want and ignore the consequences of their actions or their actions affecting other people in a negative way. With the media, slamming Kathy Griffin.. constantly berating Donald Trump there is no way to really see things other than intense hatred. This leads to violence and war. As a Christian we are taught there is a heaven and hell and when we die, we go to the one that we are judged with. What we do in this life will matter in the next. However, today we are living in between heaven and hell, to some it’s heaven, other’s it’s hell. Do we create a heaven here on earth or do we let it fall into the depths of hell? What we do matters!

(sorry for the potato video quality)

I like using the media for showing what i am talking about and what music or tv show can relate to. Shows like NCIS, The Walking Dead, Star Trek has a lot of different lessons.

But some haven’t learned them (i read recently about how people don’t need to respect robots)

The idea that Data is a sentient being is pretty complex. In reality we should be respecting all life, but to some it isn’t possible. They lack the spiritual guidance and chances are they think they are God. Star Trek Voyager revisits this with the Doctor, a hologram that clearly has shown he is a sentient being. Some people may have a saying “Ghost in the Machine”, well there’s a lot we don’t know about energy, about our souls. God created us in his image and i guess we are creating in his image as well.

Here are the songs (yes it’s death metal lol) that reflect the problems society has. If you don’t like the music, you can click on the lyrics. People will interpret the lyrics in different ways. I also added the lyrics to “Pitch Black Progress” by Scar Symmetry because it bears posting on the main page. So you can skip down if you’d like. On the surface the song is mostly towards consumerism, but at the same time it speaks to how our society functions. People don’t think for themselves, if one person sees another doing something, they’ll do the same thing no matter how crazy, stupid or insane it might be. It’s relevant to what this article is about, but at the same time, this article is only scratching the surface. “Pitch Black Progress” speaks to our very existence, what we are doing here with our time on earth. It is very limited and often times we’re on a one track mind. There is so much more to life than to work, watch tv, drink or to hang out, but we limit ourselves. We are caught up in this place called life rushing around to our next job that we don’t think about what we are doing.

(lyrics for After Life is at the bottom of the page)

(If you like this song, check out the rest of their album)

(Pure: DarkLyrics)

(Dead Harvest: DarkLyrics)

(Seven Are The Sins: DarkLyrics)

(Into Shadow: DarkLyrics)

(Pitch Black Progress: DarkLyrics)

Pitch Black Progress

This landscape mechanical
Well-oiled black machinery
Bio-driven computers
Programmed for slave labor

For slave labor!

Structure made in urban design
Kills the evolution of the mind
Marching on a dead end path
With misplaced concentration

It’s a pitch-black progress
It’s a dead end process
It’s a pitch-black progress
No more, no less

Digital temples monitor the population
Supplying the masses with what they see fit
Programming digital dreams for the consumers
A zombie nation devoid of improvisation

[Solo: J. Kjellgren]

Electro-hypnotic messages
Downloaded directly to the brain
Endless chanting subliminal
Hammers down the-will to resist
Progressing into a pitch black future
Leaving behind an analogue past
Promoting all of their new ways
Whatever the cost may be

[Solo: P. Nilsson]

It’s a pitch-black progress
It’s a dead end process
It’s a pitch-black progress
No more, no less

Introducing a pitch-black approach
Taste the horns of the future
Swallow the sulphur of the new order
To resist is to non-exist

I could list more songs but i think this may overload someone’s phone or something lol.

Last but not least here is the lyrics to “Break The Silence” by After Life. The song is about animal abuse but look a little deeper…

Each and every life

On earth has as much right
To be here as you and me
There isn’t a right way
To kill someone who doesn’t want
To die!

People don’t
want to hear
The truth about themselves
Closed and ignorant
We are totally blind

Without compassion
And respect for innocents
Our souls end up in Hell
Indifferent

Time to live thinking about
The struggles of survivors
To make a world free of your lies
Paradise?

Break the silence
We can see our Paradise?
Break the silence
Can we name it a Paradise?
I am the Voice of Voiceless
And i’ll say loudly that isn’t said
I am the Voice of Voiceless
A Voice to scream that isn’t said
End of endless lies…
Blinded innocence

Freedom, justice for them
Too many murders on our hands
Broken inside, acts of violence
Prayer, for a future
Free of cruelty and cowardice

Equality
We must not forget that hopeful world
Unforgiven
Mistakes of the past, to break the silence…

It’s really up to society to determine the path to take. Our world needs a ton of prayers.

….Having Pets Instead Of Kids Should Be Considered A Psychiatric Disorder

I don’t agree. My last post on this subject, Overpopulation crisis, is not having kids selfish? still holds true for me. Matt Walsh also did a blog on this, We couldn’t afford to have kids yet that still doesn’t change my thoughts on this subject. Life is too stressful to really have an urge to want children. I struggle with anxiety with the smallest of problems. Just the idea of me having children is too overwhelming. Everyone else that doesn’t want children probably go through the same thought process as me or thinking a similar thing for a different reason. Such as the finances. Having a child is by no means cheap, one child is more expensive then buying a $500,000 home. While more than likely you’ll be married with someone else so you will have additional support with family as well there is no telling what will occur. So i will list some reasons i don’t want to have children.

    1. I already deal with too much stress. I need to reduce the stress in my life, not add to it. You can see some of my previous posts on how stress overwhelms me and i get anxiety when it gets to a certain level. While i tend to only look at the negative, it’s just something that i have to deal with and the best way to deal with it is to avoid negative or stressful situations. If i get too much anxiety i can get a nervous breakdown and then i’ll be in trouble. I don’t deal with life situations the way everyone else does, if something is stressing me out i need to leave it!
    2. I’m not a people person. I do like talking and socializing to people from time to time, but as an introvert i need time to myself. Having kids, i would be around people all the time and i really can’t do that.
    3. I don’t want kids… because someone says i should have them or think i am more than capable of handling them. Such as the people in this article you don’t know my life situations, nor do you know what i can or can’t handle. I can’t handle a whole lot. It becomes too much. Sorry, just because you think i could handle having kids doesn’t mean i should have kids. At this point in time i won’t regret not having them and i don’t think i’ll regret having them in the future. I do not want the responsibility of caring for children.
    4. The world is in constant chaos. Think Chicago shootings, Google that and get back to me. That’s just a sliver of the problems in this world. The president of the United States, Donald Trump has sparked outrage and this seems like a clear indication of a 2nd Civil War if people do not calm themselves.
    5. Plenty of others have the urge… to reproduce. No seriously, there’s people who have more than 8 children. The world has plenty of people in this world. No, seriously it’s not a big deal if i don’t have kids. As much as some people may think we need to put more ethical, spiritual children on this planet there is always the opportunity to teach the ones that are already in this world for those willing to learn.

More people on this planet will not solve the worlds problems. We need to put the right people in charge to fix the problems. Anyone can become a doctor, a scientist, a lawyer or a politician but it takes a person of special skills in those areas to get things done properly, if said person uses their powers for good. And some will step up to the plate. There are people in this world who already are capable of fixing the worlds problems. It’s whether or not they know it yet. And if i ever do decide to have kids, i’ll adopt. Not that it will happen or that i will ever be ready for it, it’s just that would be the next logical step. I believe we need to help others already in this world, not bring more people into this world. And who knows, maybe i do have a mental disorder. It certainly isn’t because i don’t want children but because i get stressed out over little things.

I definitely need a reboot here. I’m getting some of the classic signs, i copied some of the stuff from the link below,

Health problems caused or exacerbated by stress include
Depression and anxiety
Sleep problems
Pain of any kind
Skin conditions, such as eczema

Signs and symptoms of stress overload
Memory problems
Inability to concentrate
Poor judgment
Seeing only the negative
Anxious or racing thoughts
Constant worrying
Anxiety and agitation
Moodiness, irritability, or anger
Feeling overwhelmed
Sleeping too much or too little
Withdrawing from others
Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

How much stress is too much?
Because of the widespread damage stress can cause, it’s important to know your own limit. But just how much stress is “too much” differs from person to person. Some people seem to be able to roll with life’s punches, while others tend to crumble in the face of small obstacles or frustrations. Some people even thrive on the excitement of a high-stress lifestyle.

Stress Symptoms, Signs, and Causes

I tend to fall in the crumbling in the face of small obstacles and frustration.

Today i didn’t really want to do much of anything, sure earlier today (or yesterday) i wrote something but among some of the symptoms, i sleep too much. Didn’t really want to do anything, but of course did some shopping at least. Some of it is exhaustion from work but sleeping around 4 hours today? Yeah, it is stress because procrastination and withdrawing from others are some of the others. I don’t think i ever fully recovered from my previous job which was a stress storm of anxiety. I definitely need a reboot and i’m not exactly sure how i’m going to accomplish this. I already am in the process of buying a home and i’m just wondering.. since today was supposed to be my home inspection but now is delayed until Friday i’m just wondering if i’m still able to back out.. but i don’t think i really want to or could really because i do need to get a home closer to work.

It’s really not clear what is causing my stress to be so overwhelming. Sure getting a new home is stressful and my current job is somewhat stressful at times and my father annoys me to no end (hence the previous 2 blog posts). I eat pretty much ok as i have been getting meals from my stepmom and they are pretty healthy stuff, but maybe i could exercise a bit more, although the area i am at now isn’t exactly a good place to go out and walk or ride my bike around. I do get exercise at work. I do struggle with friendships i’m not exactly sure what it is but i can never stay connected with friends for very long and i do tend to isolate myself from people, especially in recent years.

Again i don’t think i fully recovered and maybe taking some time off will do me some good when i get my new place (that’s if i get it, with all these roadblocks in the way). I can’t really be doing this all the time though, when i am off work i am usually just watching tv, which is much better than sleeping.. but on my days off, i generally sleep 2-4 hours during the day which shows i do have a stress/anxiety problem. I definitely need a reboot as i don’t want to continue having to do this on the regular basis. If i need 2-4 hours of sleep every once in awhile it’s no big deal but since this is a regular occurrence i really need something..  while music does help, it only helps to a certain extent and i need to know what will work for me. I really need to figure this out…

I would like to add that this sleeping problem has been an issue since working at my previous job. When i would get 3 days off i would sleep a lot and more than often i would sleep when i wasn’t working. Probably around 12 hours a day (that includes the normal 8 hours). Much of my stress and anxiety happened during my previous job, lack of income and i am thinking that problem hasn’t been entirely gone away or out of force of habit i tend to sleep, although generally if i take a nap it’s because i get tired. Again it’s unclear if it’s a habit or that i am still struggling with stress and anxiety. Of course the stress of buying a new home is there, but since i am nearly done with this only thing that is left is the home inspection and the appraisal, but there is a slight chance i won’t get the home.. which would actually add stress considering now i have to do the process over again of finding a home.. at this point i just want it to be over and done with. Once i get the home the stress levels should go down. I can only hope that it does…

This is sort of a continuation of the previous article of how some people can create unnecessary problems in their life. One of the biggest reasons you may have problems is that you take on too much that you can really handle. While people may say, God does not give you any more problems than what you can handle, it’s more than likely that these people do not really take on more than they can really handle and only you can really know that. No one else can. Only i can know how much i can handle and this is where we tend to cap ourselves with lesser activities. It’s like the people who are constantly in a rush in heavy traffic. They take on more than what they can really handle and they are always late. It doesn’t even matter if you are rushing or not you will still make it to your destination at the same time. Rushing does nothing other than getting you to work a minute faster and more than likely you’ll be stuck in traffic like the rest of us. Leave earlier and you won’t have either issue.

This is where we end up having unnecessary problems in life. Other reason you may be having problems is you are treating others badly. My father tends to get angry at people and then directs his anger at those people who may or may not have gotten him angry but irregardless, most of the time these people mean well.

Take Carmax for an example, instead of making a formal complaint to the company when he got a problem vehicle that they did not fix, he just blames Carmax and then tells people never to go there. Well that doesn’t really do anything other than hurt everyone working there that may or may not be the actual problem. The company has to suffer because of some bad employees who didn’t follow the company guidelines. If you were sold a car that had some engine or mechanical failures, of course this goes back onto the place you bought it from but by making a formal complaint to the company, they will generally make these changes. If they don’t then the company will then falter. But it’s not really our place to say a company is horrible just because you had a bad experience. If others had a bad experience it’ll be because there is a problem with the company.

Target for an example, had mentioned they open their doors to transgenders and they are allowed to use the bathroom they identify as. A lot of people got angry, hurt Target’s bottom line. If it was just one or two people and they were continually trying to get people to stop going there then that would be an issue. And with a good company, generally you will have anywhere from 1-10% of consumer issues. Really should not hurt the underlying companies reputation especially when all you had to do was make a formal complaint to the company and they could rectify the problem by doing an investigation and either clear up the matter or if an employee is a problem they can either write up a warning or they will be let go depending on the circumstances. Sure it would hurt that employee from having a job but at the same time they were not following the companies guidelines.

In an essence what you do affects other people and often times that can come back on you as Karma. Are we as Christians automatically forgiven for sins such as these? Well, sure but if you are doing it constantly especially with certain people then yes, it’ll come back to you no matter what because you have not learned a lesson here. We are forgiven, but at the same time have to learn from our mistakes. So the next time you get yelled at work, got cut off by someone.. just make sure you are not doing anything to provoke it. It could be Karma getting the best of you. It’s better to be nice and respect everyone because you will get that in return. It is never a good thing to tell someone that life is full of trouble either because then you are also creating unnecessary trouble on those people, if people think life is trouble then they will constantly run into problems.

And this is what i am dealing with because people like my father cannot keep it simple. Life is too short to be constantly worried, stressed out, angry, depressed or whatever it is. Life should not be trouble, life should not be filled with pain, anger and hate. Yet it is, but we have to find ways to shield ourselves from all of that because we have to deal with situations with the least amount of problems associated with it. I certainly do not and cannot deal with problems as they arise unless it’s the only thing i am really focused on. If i got 100 diff problems they are going to be overwhelming because i simply can’t deal with every one of them at once. One thing at a time.

And i really do need a vacation after i get my new home. My realtor just told me my home inspection can’t work because the utilities are not on. So basically i took a day off for nothing.. but at least i have a day off. Do some shopping and talk to my insurance company (hopefully) but if not at least i got a moment of reprieve because i so desperately need it.

I am that sort of person who does not like dealing with unnecessary stress. In fact i can’t deal with stress period. And already i am dealing with stress on the day to day basis. https://www.stress.org/stress-effects/ 

Already i have some of the symptoms of stress one of them is that i am too tired to deal with daily activities. While i don’t think i am dealing with depression i do sleep often which is related to stress. Now i am struggling with basic tasks like organizing or being able to do activities. I have had this problem for quite awhile so it may be possible that some of my stress symptoms are due to bad habits from being stressed.

However this past month and especially past week i got hit hard with some stressors. It is mostly buying a new home which is actually exciting but also stressful at the same time. Attempting to get the home buying process over and done with isn’t going quick enough, which is fine, because my bank is loaning quite a bit of money and there is stuff in between that has to be dealt with. The very fact that this process is stressful, i rely on other things in life to take it easy on me. However that is remained to be seen.

My father has the tendency to stress me out with 100 annoying questions that i wouldn’t dare to ask let alone, if you think there is no such thing as a stupid question.. let me introduce you to my father. Someone who constantly asks dumb questions such as what are you doing at work today (because i work with him) when he is the one that gives me the jobs, not myself. So now i gotta worry about this on the daily basis. But that wasn’t enough, i now all of a sudden have to take MORE RESPONSIBILITY at work by going to a class for a couple of hours a day. Ridiculous. I didn’t have to take this class, there is nothing to be gained by taking this class and it’s just unnecessary headaches and stress. Now again, i am the type of person who avoids stress and conflict so i am now having a bad time. The reason i left my other job was because of too much stress. I just bought a new home so that’s basically sealing the deal that i require this job or something within the pay capacity of my current job.

I really do regret taking on this job to working with my father and also regretting buying a new home but i had to do this for my cat and myself. I can’t be spending work nights at my parents and sleeping in my parents basement because that’s just going backwards. I want to move forward and live on my own. With my newfound job stress and having to deal with more responsibilities i am now open to finding a roommate (thankfully i bought 2 bedrooms) or rather kinda forced to be open but at the very least i am the manager of the place so if the tenant doesn’t follow certain guidelines i can boot them out. Obviously i will give them some time to relocate, unless of course they are not paying their share of the bills or causing problems for me to the point where they need to be gone immediately. I’d probably search for people at churches as they would be more responsible then someone i’d find off the street or hear of someone in need of a place.

But, i didn’t get my new home just for kicks. I really thought about it and needed it, for my cat since i live further away from work from where i am now going to work. It won’t cost me $12 in gas, more like $5-7 on a daily basis. Anyway i also got it because it has a garage and currently my car is being used as a garage. An extra tire in the trunk, tools, car fluids. Basically i fix my own car with the stuff i need inside the car because living in my apartment 7 stories in the air is too far to keep the stuff inside my apartment. Plus i would forget things like oil and power steering fluid when i need it the most, it’s just easier and more effective to leave it in the car. With a garage though, i can do all the stuff right from there if i need to.

But at this point in time i can’t really deal with a whole lot and getting older, there are things i am just not worrying about and could care less about. I don’t really care about having a relationship with someone i don’t even want kids. And speaking of that it’s pretty selfish to say that someone that doesn’t want kids but will have a pet are mentally ill.

 Having Pets Instead Of Kids Should Be Considered A Psychiatric Disorder
We couldn’t afford to have kids

The absurdity of other people telling people like me that wanting pets over children is a mental illness and who cares if you can’t afford kids, God will provide. Which may be true to an extent. You will end up having to deal with money problems, wondering if next weeks paycheck will keep the food on the table and the roof over your families heads. There are some things that i have done that i wished i hadn’t. Spending my weekly paychecks on new cds and dvds every time i got paid i would go and buy some new cds or even a videogame or two. But at that time i was financially care free. Now i question every purchase i make and if i can’t come up with 5 good reasons why i need it i don’t buy it. If any reasons include, i need to live, i don’t need to come up with any other good reasons. And i like to think i’ve become a pro at managing my money fairly well but that’s only half the battle. It’s whether i can save that money, to put away and don’t touch until i need it for something like a car/home repair. Or perhaps buying a second vehicle, which i am looking at trucks which are not cheap these days. But a truck will be good for winter and they are built to move stuff.

Now, anyway back to kids, stress and anxiety. I automatically would have a major anxiety attack if i found out i have kids. Not that i do have any, but having kids is the biggest responsibility in the world today. Would my father say i could handle that, he would even though i absolutely cannot and would not. It is unnecessary stress, life itself is stressful. But we as humans decide what stressors we deal with. I am one that wants to limit the stress down to the bare minimum. I am that guy that would put the home thermostat at 50°F just to save money on the energy bill. Hey, that’s what we got long sleeve shirts for, just layer up and you’ll still be toasty warm. Maybe wear a hat and a scarf. It’s often used as a fashion statement nowadays. Why the need to spend money on something that you could keep warm with other means. They have these covers for windows to help keep the heat or cool air in. Windows are not very good insulators so there are other methods you can use, such as a blanket or it’s as easy as keeping the blinds closed during the summer and open during the winter times.

We’re not talking about energy savings though and i got a little carried away here but at any rate, sometimes i just want to scream at the sky asking God to stop giving me stressful situations because i don’t want it. I almost want to just take the money i do have and go live in the forest. All i’d have to worry about is getting food, shelter, heat, a way to keep cool and the rest of the time i’d be spending fishing or enjoying the great outdoors. Why does modern living have to include so much stress? Life is really too short to be stressed out all the time or even some of the time. It isn’t fun and stress is harmful to your body. And i believe i already hit anxiety levels which is when you are stressed to the max. I may have an anxiety disorder, i don’t know.. maybe perhaps i should see a doctor about that. According to this article,

If you identify with any of the following 7 signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder:

Are you constantly tense, worried, or on edge?
Does your anxiety interfere with your work, school, or family responsibilities?
Are you plagued by fears that you know are irrational, but can’t shake?
Do you believe that something bad will happen if certain things aren’t done a certain way?
Do you avoid everyday situations or activities because they cause you anxiety?
Do you experience sudden, unexpected attacks of heart-pounding panic?
Do you feel like danger and catastrophe are around every corner?

Anxiety Disorders and Anxiety Attacks

I am only this way when i am stressed, i get tense, worried and on edge. I am plagued by fears and i often avoid situations or activities because they can cause anxiety. This mostly includes new things i am not familiar with. But again, these problems only occur if i am stressed out. If i get stressed out, anxiety soon follows and this week was a clear cut sign that i have been stressed to the point of anxiety levels. When i was driving home yesterday, i was venting my frustration and anger towards my father for signing up for things i am not comfortable handling. Soon after driving people were getting into a rush and this guy went around me when i moved to his lane. I was feeling road rage then. I wanted to tail this guy and honk at him but i did restrain myself from doing it but regardless i was still feeling the urge to road rage. It wasn’t just this guy but others and i had to try to calm myself down, i just wanted to get home.

I do see this as a clear cut sign that i just can’t handle dealing with stress. It’s better off that i don’t deal with it at all. I could have just spent $900+ a month on rent with money i will never see again or invest in a $1,200 a month home that i can get something out of it. Had i realized how difficult it was to obtain a home i probably would have just gotten an apartment. And that’s not even half the battle, i still have to do a home inspection and then be responsible for all the appliances there, if something goes wrong with one of them i may have to replace them if they can’t be repaired. However it turns out though, because it may be possible something will go awry and i won’t get the place, if that’s the case though i’ll be seriously disappointed because i already had gone through all this stress in order to get it and it was all for nothing but having to deal with apartment living longer. It could add or lessen the stress levels, but if i get the home i can get information on the year of all the appliances and go from there.

As i am typing this, it’s about 11am on Saturday, i was going to go grocery shopping to get a few things, but being stressed out i got lazy. I don’t think people realize what stress really does to me and i am thinking i may need help, thankfully if i get this new place there’s a church 20 minutes away with some help, hopefully with some prayers and what not that i can find some way of not being as stressed out or at the very least be able to convince my father than i cannot deal with these stresses that come up. I am also listening to some music so that is definitely calming me.

Is that your only entertainment? (Spoiling your desire)
To blow your minds on a one-way track
From a distance…

Building knowledge out of flexible existence
Hunt for adrenaline is staggering, grand lack of emotions
You’ll never face conclusions, you’ll get what you want
Am I really an exception?

Is that your only entertainment? (Spoiling your desire)
To blow your minds on a one-way track
I tell you a lie and you make it a statement (Sleeping in denial)
You’re all wasting the time of your lives

Distance – Soilwork

This is been me for quite awhile now. At least feeling like i am wasting my life. Eh, not entirely but i work all week and then when i come home for the weekend i’m mostly watching tv, playing videogames or surfing the internet. I used to work in retail and i never had enough money to do anything. Fast forward to day i work in a factory and i came to notice many of the people there get drunk and party. Well that’s not really my thing, especially as an introvert.

So this song kinda fits that but including with me i tend to do the same things. Stuff that is probably meaningless but i do it anyway. And having to clean my apartment (and sleeping) i really felt like i wasted my weekend. Well i needed to clean my apartment, is one thing and i didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time cleaning (more like i need to organize) but i do question what i am doing with my time. I don’t get to hang out with friends that often anymore (mostly because they’re all busy) and finding metalhead friends is so far and few between as it is. I’m not that introverted to the point where i need to isolate myself from all human contact but it hasn’t been as simple as it used to be to find new friends that actually have the time to be friends. Most of the people i either hang out with now are people (at work) or my dad, stepmom and my stepsister. And while i mostly am just talking to people i’m friends with at work sometimes i’d like to go out and do something.

As i’m typing this, Sunday is practically over. I have to get ready for the work week in which i don’t get to be at home, i’m at my fathers place all week. That does really need to change, but i have not found a closer place to work yet. Been trying to find a townhouse with an attached garage. With the limiting funds though it’s not easy. While i am making more i have a income to debt ratio especially when i have a limit of money in my savings. Buying a new home is costly, but it’s either that or spending near as much every month for an apartment. And i am tired of apartment living. In any case this is a strain on me to find a closer place, either that or i’ll have to start driving home daily, which puts more wear and tear on my old vehicle. I don’t mind the mileage as the maintenance is kept up, but the roads here tear up vehicles. And having a pet at home, a cat this makes matters even worse. She likes being home apposed to my dad’s and i think it’s because of too many people/animals there. 2 cats and a dog. So i definitely need to find a new place pronto not only for my sake but my cat. But, at this point nothing is found. I may have to sacrifice getting a place with a garage but also my car is being used as a garage. It’s tacky, hence the requirement to find a place that has a garage, plus i don’t have to dust/scrape off my car in the mornings.

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