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Archive for May, 2019

So yes another blog about the woman at work that I got a crush on, and actually i think it’s a really crazy for her crush. It’s almost like I’m in love with her…

Let’s back up so the day after I wrote the previous blog I came to the realization that maybe she doesn’t really know where I am at (like i was on vacation or something) so today I came in extra early in the plant she works in to do some odd stuff which was just putting unground parts into containers to toss onto these shelves we have.

It was still within view so if she walked in she would probably notice me. I also parked my car in the usual spot. I stopped parking there mainly due to the fact I can’t see around the corner to the street but I wanted to see if she knew what car i drove.

Anyways she didn’t do much of anything and I got some intense feelings throughout the morning and it was more intense during her lunch time which was like at 12:30pm

I know I gotta stop overthinking this which may be leading to these feelings, that I’m somehow manifesting them making it seem like she likes me or has some sort of feelings for me.

Unfortunately there are still many possibilities why she didn’t try anything today. She could be scared or not interested. The fact remains is that I may never know because I’m still too scared to just be at my workstation. Unfortunately after she bailed out on our lunch meet this made this problem ten times worse. I’m already uncomfortable and timid around her. The thing is, I really enjoy these feelings. It feels like I am really in love with her. That’s one reason why I’m so scared to do anything. I thought by talking to her more that these feelings would be easier to control. Because when I am around her I dont feel the strong feelings at the moment. The feelings are strongest when we are apart.

But now I’m not even curious to see if shes interested. I keep thinking she isnt even though she appeared to have an interest early on which I was automatically avoiding it. Her staring at me one day really had me thinking she had an interest in me. I avoided and ignored her for like a week before I got the nerve to say hi to her when she passed by my workstation.

A lot of it had to do with me not wanting to take the risk because of my past failures. I may discuss that in another blog but one comes to mind. The one girl who was interested in me wasnt at all what I wanted. Well ok she had big breasts which I liked, however it really stopped right there. She didn’t get along with her family and she didn’t have a positive vibe. Really I didn’t like anything about her. Her personality was dull and it was like hanging out with a guy. She ended up being a stalker.

The woman I like is almost a polar opposite of that. I didn’t even try or care about my stalker. Maybe that’s the problem. I really like this woman it’s making things difficult, but I really would enjoy my crush to stalk me. She sorta did in the beginning but I dont know what happened with that.

So I’m really just confused and unsure. It’s not even that easy for me to find someone I’m interested in and like I said it appeared that she had an interest or maybe it was the fact she noticed I was timid and she just wanted to say hi. Unfortunately the way it appeared to me is that she was interested and tried to get my attention. She sure did and unfortunately I’m obsessing over her. Everytime I try to move on and when I finally almost do, the feelings come back strong.

So yeah dont know what to do now….

If she does like me, it needs to work out somehow. If I’m just obsessing over her and she doesn’t care or whatever then this needs to stop.

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So last week was a struggle for me to move on from my crush, today I just kept thinking a bunch of different things and realized, even if I dont see my crush. Its difficult to move on.

And a few things I wonder, is she really interested and just timid about it like me or is it just me struggling with moving on? The biggest problem is if shes timid she may not try to find me or to seek me out by asking someone at work to help us talk to one another again.

Right now I’m in the other plant just holding out, mainly because I got stuff to do there. But I’m also afraid that I may run out of things to do and I’ll end up having to go to the same plant as her.

I dont want to do that unless I know for sure she likes me.. and at the same time I gotta figure out how to move on. And pretty much the only 2 ways for me to figure that out is either we run into one another or that she tells someone along the lines of telling me “you know this woman is wondering about where you are” or something that signifies that at least she likes my company.

I regret asking her if she wanted to talk during lunch and it just makes me more timid to even find out on my own. Another thing happened today as I was driving to the highway on the way home. I’m not quite sure but I got worked up over it was someone with a SUV that looked like hers (I actually was thinking it was her).

Well this SUV was on a side street waiting to turn and when traffic started moving I went to pass the intersection this driver was turning off of (to the right of me, there was 2 lanes) and then noticed the driver was pulling out. So I added more power to my acceleration to avoid getting hit but ended up stopping. Sure enough they pulled right behind me. I couldn’t see the driver due to the tinted windows. I guess I could have tried looking really hard through the windshield (with my side/rear mirrors) but at that point I think I was a bit worried it was her.

This made things worse because despite hoping it didn’t make things worse, but I feel like I did. Either way I dont feel comfortable being in the other plant. Of course this could have been someone else entirely and I’m just freaking out over nothing.

At this point I really need some prayers because I dont know what to think anymore. If she likes me then I hope she can find some way to get to me, besides sensing her (if I am) and trying to get me into the same plant. It’s not easy for me to figure these things out and often times I get so tired of it, I just find any excuse to avoid it all. I’m very timid when it comes to women I’m interested in and I don’t even know why I am considering I hardly know much about her other than shes attractive and I like the car she drives. That’s certainly not enough to get so worked up over. Its possible that I just had a crush on her for so long and in the beginning she seemed interested (unless she was thinking something else) that I’m just so attached to her already.

I’m not even looking for anyone right now so it’s just all too confusing for me… I keep praying it will all work out.

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I had an idea which can only benefit both ways. I’m rescheduling my hours so I dont run into this woman I’ve been talking about (I dont even know her name, that is how timid I am now). She usually shows up at 5-6am so I’ll work in the plant (plant 5) at 4am to 445am instead of being there at 5. I’ll clock out and work the remainder in plant 4 (considering there is plenty of stuff to do but want to stay there) and wait and see. Maybe she’ll wonder what happened and try to find me which will be really easy.

Otherwise I can just move on at least without having to bear my mistakes in front of me by having more awkward moments and it’ll be more difficult to move on if shes really not interested and I have to see her every so often.

If there was a connection though, she will try to find me as this has happened in the past and I didn’t even speak to those women, but they had a way of popping up in weird locations where basically I end up walking right up to them without even realizing it. Same thing could happen here. It all depends on the person I guess and however long it takes me to forget that person.

Just this time I hope I’m not timid enough to not say anything. Hopefully I’ll smile and have a conversation. It doesn’t stop the fact I’m just terrible with women but perhaps I need to figure out instinctively on what to do. And this is about the only thing I can figure out how to do that while stopping the craziness on whether there really is a connection.

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My problem with women. I should stop trying to ask them out. It’s clear I’m not ready for that and should focus on being friends with them, especially if there is a spark, I’m just too frightened by crushes.

The problem is, I’m not ready. People want to rush me into relationships. They want to play cupid and that simply wont work. Even if I feel there is a connection with someone I’m not going to rush into it. Not at all. It’ll simply be a brief conversation and only once in awhile. I just will not push it and I will use my timidness toward women I like.

I need to stop listening to advice because it’s no good. I’m nowhere near that level of confidence yet and I got to just stick to what I am comfortable with.

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This woman I have been talking about has been avoiding me ever since I thought she had agreed to meet. But now besides being terrified of her (and I’m already extremely timid around her) I may have to cut my overtime hours in the plant where she works. But now I really feel bad for even suggesting the thought we would hang out..

I dont even feel comfortable in that plant anymore and I’ve been working in a different plant. I didn’t foresee this problem but unfortunately I just did it again. And now I’m losing money… all because of my stupidity. I really hate crushes and an attraction towards someone because now it’s just painful. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What did I do to provoke angry spirits that made this even possible? Its Kaitlyn all over again.

All I feel now is pain of losing another possible soulmate. If she ever was one in the first place. I know I’ve gotten a little angry over women who have rejected me, but not this current woman. No all I feel is sadness and fear. I am just so tired of feeling a shred of happiness only to plunge down into pain and despair. I know shes only one eo6man out of thousands but why are all the ones I encounter always running away from me? I dont know, lack of confidence or I don’t say the right things at the right moment.

I’m so tired of this pain. It just wont go away. I am depressed…

Clandestinely Now from Solution .45 is playing in my head currently.

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Well I managed to talk to this woman I like at work today, it all went well.. I even asked her if she wanted lunch. She wasn’t sure but then ended up saying yes.

Unfortunately I hit a snag. She either bailed or had a very important phone call. I may have pushed it a little too much by asking her to lunch. At first I thought it was, welp shes not really interested.

However I think it’s more likely I scared her away. Because she seemed like she was interested.. but perhaps shes very timid. I tend to be that way too..

Clearly thinking about this for a minute she may just need additional coaxing. Which works on my level because I myself am that way. I was kind of hoping that maybe we could have alleviated that by getting to know one another. So basically I’m going to have to change my process.

I hope I didn’t damage this too much but well, I’ll let her approach me now. If she seems too distant then maybe shes really not interested. Well next time I’ll just smile and wave at her. Or.. something. But I do get the impression she might be interested.. just very timid.

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