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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Well it appears that my crush is no longer afraid of me, I’m hoping that. Noticed she was wearing makeup and this past week after seeing her I’ve been feeling a sense of euphoria.

Does this mean she likes me? At this point it I really hope so because it’s going to be impossible for me to try asking her to lunch again.. for fear she might do the same thing again. So I’m going to take it easy. If she really wants to do lunch, I really hope she finds a way.

Otherwise anytime i see her I’ll try to find out her name and that way anytime i see her I’ll call her by name then. Its looking good now and hope she understands that I want to take things slowly. I dont want to scare her off again. So I’m going to try to coax her that maybe she can hint she wants lunch with me.

Until then I hope it all works out. Definitely need prayers on this. Got to figure out what she wants me to do that I feel comfortable with.

Edit: On the note about basically asking her to lunch is near impossible, its doubtful she’ll try (unless shes really that interested enough to do something) or shes seeing/has someone else already. In any case, I’ll be friendly to her and work towards being work friends and maybe she’ll reveal her interest if she is interested. Although its hard to get to know someone when its 30 seconds of passing by and that’s if it’s a regular thing.

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First of all, the cost of living is ridiculous. To make it worse the wonderful state of Illinois doubled the gas tax and car registration is now another $50. I’m already straining on buying a new car even a relatively new Honda Accord costs around $25k. That’s $25,000. Needless to say I gotta wonder if I could get a Dodge Challenger.

I love Chicago and Illinois for its wonderful weather and sights. However the politicians are a huge problem. They can’t find ways to cut expenses yet we the taxpayers are funding their huge homes and $70k vehicles. They make over $50k a year which is ridiculous when we have to pay taxes that won’t even fix the bad roads. Instead they tear up perfectly good roads and ignore the ones with crater sized potholes.

Even though gas taxes are not too terrible, you got a ton of people driving way over the speed limit which also uses more gas up. They dont seem to mind though because they’re getting upset with me for driving 55mph instead of 60mph and they dont always like me driving 60 either.

It’s gotten ridiculous with the costs and taxes.

On to the other topic so I did freak out a bit when I saw my favorite crush drive up (I could see it with the door ajar and even though the window) I was already getting ready to leave to go to the other plant but it just seems that I’m not ready to see her quite yet.

Also for Friday and Monday during her 12:30pm lunch I got this vibe of feeling anxious or anxiety. Like I wonder if she was worried I might try to talk to her again or something. I really don’t know what’s going on there… I keep rationalizing it, that’s it’s just all in my head but also I was a bit rattled when I saw her drive up. I’m not sure whether she came by my workstation because I was facing the other way letting a coworker/friend know I have done the first pass with some parts. I also kept far away when I was heading to the other plant. The only thing I can think of at the moment is maybe she’s wondering why I’m not there when she is so maybe shes worried that I’m avoiding her. Like she might feel bad for canceling the lunch.

But see I don’t know and as far as what I’m doing, I’m moving on. So maybe being in the vicinity is doing something rather than avoiding the plant entirely. So it appears to be doing something, I hope. We’ll see what happens over the week.

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My problem with women. I should stop trying to ask them out. It’s clear I’m not ready for that and should focus on being friends with them, especially if there is a spark, I’m just too frightened by crushes.

The problem is, I’m not ready. People want to rush me into relationships. They want to play cupid and that simply wont work. Even if I feel there is a connection with someone I’m not going to rush into it. Not at all. It’ll simply be a brief conversation and only once in awhile. I just will not push it and I will use my timidness toward women I like.

I need to stop listening to advice because it’s no good. I’m nowhere near that level of confidence yet and I got to just stick to what I am comfortable with.

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This woman I have been talking about has been avoiding me ever since I thought she had agreed to meet. But now besides being terrified of her (and I’m already extremely timid around her) I may have to cut my overtime hours in the plant where she works. But now I really feel bad for even suggesting the thought we would hang out..

I dont even feel comfortable in that plant anymore and I’ve been working in a different plant. I didn’t foresee this problem but unfortunately I just did it again. And now I’m losing money… all because of my stupidity. I really hate crushes and an attraction towards someone because now it’s just painful. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What did I do to provoke angry spirits that made this even possible? Its Kaitlyn all over again.

All I feel now is pain of losing another possible soulmate. If she ever was one in the first place. I know I’ve gotten a little angry over women who have rejected me, but not this current woman. No all I feel is sadness and fear. I am just so tired of feeling a shred of happiness only to plunge down into pain and despair. I know shes only one eo6man out of thousands but why are all the ones I encounter always running away from me? I dont know, lack of confidence or I don’t say the right things at the right moment.

I’m so tired of this pain. It just wont go away. I am depressed…

Clandestinely Now from Solution .45 is playing in my head currently.

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Pain and peril, mutation of me.
Alone I’ve dwelled in the dark surrounding me.
Chained in hell by the new one in me.
It found a way from hell defiling my dreams.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts call the shots.

Pain and peril, delusions set free.
I’ve paid the price in the night of a misty dream.
Change and peril, the darkness calls me.
They came through me, from hell beneath the trees.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts bring my fall.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

With strength I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

In pain I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

I found it harder to come back.
I found the surface more dark
than its been before and I’ve
been fighting for a long time.

Why am I afraid to be alive?
What have I done to feel confined?
What did I do to feel this way?
The only thing I feel is the pain.

The pain.

I’ve seen my holocaust.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

Scarred by the faceless demons I’ve been
Scarred by my flesh-eating thoughts I’ve been
Scarred to the point where the pain, it won’t stop

I needed to hear this song because besides different meanings this song speaks what I am currently facing (see last posts) why am I so afraid of relationships or friendships?

Among the reasons why I don’t consider relationships the main reason is i can’t handle them. But also I’m afraid of friendships so I stick to colleagues. Among failing to see the facts that the ones I like are not obtainable. Perhaps it’s me. I don’t really know but this song resonates this. Also here’s another along the same theme.

The price of existence.
Our stagnant bodies bound
in a time of the living.
And nothing’s what it’s been.

I have drowned in this vague world.
We pretend, but the madness always on deep
inside our sleeping state, where our black thoughts thrive.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed.
Hidden deep down in me.

Failure of resistance.
Welcome, the wave of rage.
So far in the distance, but so close in our blood and veins.

I’ll fight this sentence.
Nothing’s real inside this scope.
I’ll fight my condition.
Nothing will ever break or harm, us strange.

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed. Hidden deep down in me.

We’ll face them all.
We’ll face them all.
We’ll take it all.
We’ll take it all.

How can I be so afraid of living?
We’re the ghosts of this world.

I’m tired of this mess.
I’m tired of thoughts eating myself from the inside out.

I’ve waited so long and the only thing I know.
No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be free.

But nothing seems to ever unfold.
At least my sight calms somewhat.
I’m living this curse and I don’t know what to feel inside me now.

The filth, the black has almost swallowed me.
In a time, where the compulsions have start to feast.
I’ve been drowned by the sickness that’s controlling me.
In a time where no-one seems care one bit.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

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Edit: I got my answer pretty much. It seems she’ll avoid me throughout the day now and it’s pretty apparent she never had an interest in me. Somehow she thought I was or something. I really didn’t want to have this happen again, I don’t even try to.. but now I gotta find a way to move on…

The last woman I was interested in ended in a bad way. Feeling rejected I told myself to never get involved with anyone ever again, especially a co worker, hence my previous post was centered around a co worker who seemed to have the hots for me.

Well soon after I wrote that post I became interested. Its unclear if she is still interested or even ever was, it could have been me subconsciously trying to make it seem like she was, but maybe it’s just me interested and she’s probably just wondering why I don’t really talk like what most of the other men do there.

The biggest hurdle for me right now is the fear of being rejected again. I didn’t take it too well the last time and it’s really not fun to have to deal with it with having to see the person at work after they rejected you. So now history is repeating itself and now I have been stupid enough to get too involved where I should have been more firm with my rule, don’t date a co worker. That includes talking to them possibly sparking an infatuation with them.

I don’t know this woman’s name but I find her attractive which doesn’t help and I have been avoiding the idea of sparking a social encounter but every morning I work, I’ve been saying hi and smiling to her hoping that she’ll make the first move. It probably won’t work causing her to move on and possibly making things way too awkward and I’ll end up spiraling down even further by never getting involved with a woman.

But at the same time she seems like the type to want kids or already has one and that’s another problem, I don’t want kids. Mainly I don’t want to bring someone into this world because of all the hate, corruption, greed and high cost of living. I’m ok with adopting when I’m financially well. The fact im barely holding it together financially trying to get a new car, a 2019 or 2020 Dodge Challenger and I’ll most likely end up with the V6 3.6L version. Which is fine because I don’t need the Hemi V8 or the 800hp Dodge Demon until I’m retired anyway.

Back to this woman I’m just not sure if it’s a good idea to get involved mainly due to kids. Of course I haven’t even really talked to her because I’m too mentally unstable to deal with another rejection case. It would actually be worse if I started talking to her because I would be more likely to have an emotional bond with her and if things go south, I’ll end up with a worse psyche than I already got and with women, I’m already fractured to the point of no return. So while I’m flirting with this danger I think that if she is one of those women who will approach me it’ll be less painful, but if she forces me to try which i am trying little by little it’s already leading to problems. Other then the morning I have had no luck in trying to bump into her making it seem like this isn’t going to work.

And believe me for the most part i haven’t cared. It was until she started saying morning is when I started getting interested but anywhere else I seen her it was always stupid glances or stares. So while every morning we can say our hello, that’s about as far as I’m willing to take it unless something happens or she decides to approach me it’s unlikely we’ll even be work friends. I’m at least interested in that but if I do too much work to try to talk to her it’ll never work out because I would get too obsessed over her and right now I’m just sort of rattled but if she left today I’d be able to move on easy but most likely avoid any other interaction with other women. If she can’t help me no one else will be capable of handling the task because I’ll be putting my foot down declaring I won’t ever get involved with any woman, even if she makes very signal in the world to get me involved.

I’m just in terrible shape and getting rattled over her without even knowing her shows how bad my mental state is with women really is. I’m not ready for a relationship or dating and I’m not sure if I’m capable of a female work friend yet. Hopefully she understands it’s going to take time for me to work through this and all I can do is take it one step at a time, try to deal with day to day, not the future. If it doesn’t work out it’s more of a reason for me not to get involved with someone. We’ll see but I’m not getting my hopes up with this woman. I am not ready to go through another rejection and already it seems like she may have started to give up but for now the mornings are working well.

The best part is im working in the nearby plant so I can at least focus on trying to make myself more comfortable around her and she may feel comfortable enough to have a brief conversation if she’s really that interested. Doesn’t help that there are other women that the guys have been trying to get me to talk to awhile back but since i won’t be there for several days it might be easier to interact with her throughout the day later on.. but it’ll be difficult because these other two women are constantly around one of them keeps staring in my general location and that just is way uncomfortable and I’m trying to focus on the one i lije who looks more my age. I’m 39 and these other woman must be in their 20s. Either way I don’t have any interest in them even if the one i like doesn’t work out.

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From the crime show, NCIS. Gibbs has a rule to never date a co-worker.

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Anyway, this blog is a personal one (no EVs this time). My previous job I happened to like a girl who turned up didn’t like me back. I said some things to her online that I shouldn’t have and being at work has made things incredibly awkward. Not to mention work itself had gotten worse and I wasn’t getting enough hours (well other employees didnt get enough it was difficult times). I didn’t even want to be there because work had gotten too stressful. I felt like I didn’t belong there.

While this was happening I really got into watching NCIS and Rule #12 came up. Never date a co-worker. Sound advice and for those wondering what the other ones are…

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Some are missing, not mentioned or it’s an outdated photo im not sure which because I never kept up on every rule made. Some of them are good actually. So with my new job I kept the same mindset, Rule #12. It’s been working up until recently other co-workers have been trying to get me in a relationship with someone, no one in particular just generally asking me why I haven’t got a woman, wife or kids.

They also couldn’t have asked ata worse time. I have been focused on saving a new car (new 0-3 years, not an older vehicle) and I really want to get a Dodge Challenger, even if it’s a V6 version. But even with a bit of overtime it’s going to take some time to do. I can’t really afford to date right now and I really have no plans of a relationship.

Kids and possibly marriage is out of the question as they’re not cheap. Another thing is im not a romantic, sorry ladies. I feel like buying stuff like a card, flowers and chocolate, having candlelight dinners and long walks on beaches are a bit, outdated and cheesy. Going out to dinner at a greasy hamburger joint and seeing an action movie are my ideas of dating.

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All jokes aside many women are looking for a romance, something im probably capable of but not something I’d like to do and I’ve already made my peace with being single. Bottom line is that relationships are too much guesswork. Sometimes you don’t really know what the other person really wants and I’m not even sure I want a relationship.

Now that I got that out of the way there is a woman i work with, not really though considering the fact we’re on opposite sides of a small plant with a wall as a barrier, but there are times where she is on side I’m on. Mostly I haven’t really thought much of it but I work around one of the many access points to the plant I’m in so a few times she had mentioned, “good morning” before I had lost overtime hours and she started before me. So eh whatever, time goes by and just this last several weeks I caught her looking at me which at first I brushed it off but the most recent 2 was on Thursday. It was almost like she was looking at me like “why won’t you talk to me” but it could also be 200 other things.

The most obvious sign would be is the gossiping of me still being single from the guys. I almost wished I had said, yes I do have a gf so they could leave me alone, but they’ll be asking for photos. And you know, every smartphone has a camera so even if I had to take a photo of my imaginary gf sleeping, that just wouldn’t get them to stop asking for one.

I found a great job with a bunch of employees who are nosy.

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Oh well. Anyway since Thursday I just put up my blinders and focused on the job. All I can do is smile and move on. Not that this female co-worker isn’t attractive but well, I don’t really approach people i don’t know, unless it’s something I need I usually let others approach me. Makes it hard to make friends but as an introvert, it doesn’t really matter. I’m 39 years old and have never been on a date or relationship so at this point, in just used to the idea of being single that the idea of relationships just doesn’t interest me as much as it used to.

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