Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Well I had a bit of a mental illness breakdown. Its all because I’m having trouble understanding whether or not my crush has an interest in me. I keep going from I think we’re cool, to this is frustrating.. especially when I see my crush hugging another guy at work. I sort of let it go then it became to I didn’t see her the next day. Was going to approach her but chickened out.

I kept thinking where are the signs if she does like me? Or the signs she doesn’t like me. A gut feeling isnt going to make me understand whether she does. I just know I like and am interested in her.

So now I’m hiding out in the other plant again but there isnt anything to do in the plant my crush works in so.. but flipping out online and a few people claiming she rejected me is just a sign to take it a notch back. If shes not interested, oh well time to move on. If she is.. going to need proof. I got guys from that plant asking me how are things going with me and her. Well I usually just say it’s ok which it is. Even one guy claimed she was single but I tried taking that with a grain of salt.

So needless to say if any of them ask how are things going, well going to flat out say “I don’t believe that shes interested in me” because at this point that’s the truth and why I can’t even approach her. Thankfully I only took my frustrations online and not really at anyone. Most of the stuff was delete-able but not what I said to a person online… which I suppose is ok.

So some time apart will do me some good. Things were starting to go great but now I need to work on controlling my fears of her not liking me and this is where I just need to find out somehow if she does. But I’m doing it passively by just sticking to the other plant for the time being. I dont know for how long or if I will even see/talk to her again. I feel like I failed a test that I can never recover from. Or I can but I have to be very careful from now on. But I just dont have a clue if she likes me or not and everytime I thought she did it ends up being questioned. The fact I dont know and dont have enough confidence prevents me from approaching her.

I dont know if she was there today though because I didn’t see her car, which at first I thought she might have been avoiding me. This is crazy, it something most people can do but I happen to be one where its completely impossible for me to accomplish. So I need prayers. Either shes not interested and I need to move on or she is and I need to know in order to move forward. Because at this point I dont think she does and I’m just not going to see her anymore. If she does like me well.. hopefully something will happen. If not, I pray I never meet anyone else because the same thing will just happen with another woman. And there’s someone online who likes me but they’re too far away and I’m not interested so its easier to leave it alone. Hopefully there is nothing needing to forgive but I feel guilty for saying a few things I shouldn’t have like I wish she’d go away… just overall feelings of anger and frustration. Need a ton of prayers that I can be more calm if this situation is being confronted again. Just glad I didn’t say this to anyone at work.


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Edit: I get the feeling she might be interested but is really scared. I got crazy waves of affection. She may really like me but either doesn’t know how I feel or doesn’t know how to handle it. The guys at work are usually talking about women sexually and maybe shes not that type of girl for a 1 night fling. I’m overthinking this but when you’re hit by consistent waves of feelings and a throbbing headache you cant help but wonder. So ill take it easy and when shes ready I’ll be waiting for her.

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I managed to find out my crush’s name which I wont mention for privacy but it seems she’s not very interested because soon as she mentioned her name she ran off to go talk to this other guy.

Now there can be other reasons why she did this but the fact she did may be because shes interested in this other guy which I will respect. And while talking to a couple of my co workers they seem to think we’d make a great couple but I mentioned yeah that would be nice if she didn’t seem frightened or not interested so I told them that I want to take it easy and just say hello in the morning.

Of course I’ve been getting headaches and a sense there was a connection between us so I figured there was something. The problem and this goes back to being forgiven was the fact I kept avoiding her. Early on when i first met her there was an instant connection. I just ignored it. Yes shes also very attractive but I didn’t notice it until I kept bumping into her. She seemed to be interested because she would seemingly search for me and I just didn’t see it until it was too late. Then I ignored her for several weeks then that’s when I gained an interest in her.

But it’s been a struggle ever since. And this last attempt just showed me that it’ll be easier just to say hello. Pushing it will only push her further way and eventually be the runner. So I’m just going to leave it be. Co workers think we would be a good couple so there is hope there. I just dont want to stress over it anymore.

Maybe one day she’ll open herself up to me or maybe those co workers will find a way. Until then I’m not going to run anymore. I also have to stop worrying and overthinking this. All I can do is wait for her. If not, well soulmates are like 1 in a million and considering the fact I felt an instant connection, really strong vibes and headaches (actually that’s a very good sign according to one of my blogger friend) I think if she left my life.. i may never find someone as amazing as her and she is very amazing. But I dont know how to get her into some sort of relationship. We barely talk. I know shes great looking and has a nice car and shes really nice. And I just know she is amazing due to the strong unspoken bond I have with her. I can talk to other women and while they may be very attractive there is no bond. No this is the first woman I met where I feel complete with her.

The problem is how to break the silence of a perfect relationship. Maybe she feels it too and is scared. Prayers for both of us that we can become closer together.

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Well it appears that my crush is no longer afraid of me, I’m hoping that. Noticed she was wearing makeup and this past week after seeing her I’ve been feeling a sense of euphoria.

Does this mean she likes me? At this point it I really hope so because it’s going to be impossible for me to try asking her to lunch again.. for fear she might do the same thing again. So I’m going to take it easy. If she really wants to do lunch, I really hope she finds a way.

Otherwise anytime i see her I’ll try to find out her name and that way anytime i see her I’ll call her by name then. Its looking good now and hope she understands that I want to take things slowly. I dont want to scare her off again. So I’m going to try to coax her that maybe she can hint she wants lunch with me.

Until then I hope it all works out. Definitely need prayers on this. Got to figure out what she wants me to do that I feel comfortable with.

Edit: On the note about basically asking her to lunch is near impossible, its doubtful she’ll try (unless shes really that interested enough to do something) or shes seeing/has someone else already. In any case, I’ll be friendly to her and work towards being work friends and maybe she’ll reveal her interest if she is interested. Although its hard to get to know someone when its 30 seconds of passing by and that’s if it’s a regular thing.

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Even though she bailed, I sort of moved on (not really but..) I have to seek forgiveness. I realised why she bailed for two reasons. One well, being that I moved on her too quickly by asking her to meet with me during lunch. It may have scared her (and it may be possible that she does really like me but is really timid, but I’m not going to assume that yet). The other reason.. well it might be possible that I made tbe mistake with a past woman who thought I was interested in her. Early on a co worker at a retail store asked me if I liked this cashier. I thought she was attractive but it wasn’t meant that I was interested.

Well that escalated quickly into her thinking that I was interested and I asked her if we could talk during break. We managed to work that out and we had a good conversation but afterwards I ignored her.. mainly because I wasn’t really into her. She was great to talk with but early on I found out she was vegan and her Myspace (the early Myspace days) and onother blog where she broke up with her boyfriend because he didn’t share her enthusiasm with being a Christian (she left for a year to go to some Christian bible camp) and later started going on a lot about Jesus and God.

I believed in that stuff, my dad was a hardcore Christian like her.. but I’m not huge into it like I don’t share the same infinity to go to church, take a bible study group and strictly keeping friends who are the same.

I don’t hang around bad crowds, get drunk or do drugs. I dont sleep with women, I’d rather save for a special woman. Heck I won’t even tear off those mattress labels.

I fail at being a good person all the time but I try. It gets tough when someone or something makes me angry though. My father had a lot of anger issues which led me to be disinterested in Christianity. There was others who were uptight about everything and i didn’t want to end up that way. After working with many Mexicans I noticed I like how they react to different situations, a few of them get pissy every so often but there is a ton of positivity and good energy (minus some of them trying to hook me up with a woman). I’ve also started watching the early seasons of Hawaii Five-O reboot. Besides having a ton of great action I like the interaction between Steve and Danny. Many of it is hilarious, but the whole team cares about one another (like they do in NCIS and MacGyver, both versions) and I like that. My current job co workers do the same, its like I told one of my bosses that my brake lines rusted out, causing brake loss and had to use the handbrake she was like, I need a new car.. but for now I gotta work with it but she wanted me to be safe. It shows that they dont just want to be a boss, they also want you to be safe and what not.

I had too much negativity in my life which isnt good. There still is but I’m dredging through it.

Back to this woman (the one from the Myspace days) I liked her, but for 2 reasons I just couldn’t proceed through it. Her being a vegan, it scared me off because I dont know how to handle it. We talked a bit but it felt a little forced…

Fast forward to my current crush, I wonder if maybe she thinks I would stop talking to her because in the beginning I did avoid/ignore her nor I really smiled when we crossed paths. I was caught up in work and wasn’t thinking about women (I had sort of given up at that time as well after Kaitlyn). Realizing a co worker trying to set me up with another woman who ended up in my field of vision, I just wasn’t interested. Seeing how I was interested in someone else (that I just feel I have a connection with) I wanted to focus on that but really just didn’t know how to and while I still don’t I know I have to seek forgiveness with her and hopefully be able to focus on trying to forma. friendship with her. If later on we start seeing each other and end up being a couple. I’m completely all for it. I would really like that and while it’s sort of on the table, I really do hope there is potential for that.

If not, and I have to accept that willingly (because I screwed up with Kaitlyn) and at least be great friends. It’ll be difficult, especially if she already thinks I’m interested in her and want a relationship but one of the things is. I won’t do anything until both of us are ready. If she doesn’t want a relationship with me, that’s fine. I just dont want her to feel like she has to avoid me because I’m attracted to her. I don’t want to do the same because I think she isn’t interested or because I’m too scared to find out.

Really all I want is to feel comfortable around her and for her to feel the same and we can get to know one another better. I felt a ton of anxiety being around the same plant as her and even during moments of just working. And I am scared to do this but I’ll just be there and see if she passes by and start off small and slow. I wont ask her to meet for lunch or do any approaching other than maybe a brief conversation. I will just wait for us to bump into one another. I dont want any more mistakes and I really need a ton of prayers with this. Hopefully I wont feel too anxious or scared and breaking the ice for first encounter hopefully on Monday or whenever I’ll just smile and say hi that it’ll progress. A lot of prayers for many other things is needed but for one, there has to be a reason why she appeared to try to get my attention. I want to find out what that was. Maybe she does like me but gave up. Or maybe she thinks I like someone else. Who knows what else. This is a struggle but when she bailed on the lunch meet, I felt hurt by it. And I forgive her. Hopefully she can do the same, especially since it’s been three weeks since we ran into one another. So we’ll see what happens and I hope it all works out.

I feel bi polar with this and its because I’m interested in her but I’ve been hurt too many times so I’m going back and forth with this and there’s just a battle going on. Need prayers with this as well.

Also my dad is Lutheran not Catholic. I’m not really sure of the difference but most people I know are Catholic.

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First of all, the cost of living is ridiculous. To make it worse the wonderful state of Illinois doubled the gas tax and car registration is now another $50. I’m already straining on buying a new car even a relatively new Honda Accord costs around $25k. That’s $25,000. Needless to say I gotta wonder if I could get a Dodge Challenger.

I love Chicago and Illinois for its wonderful weather and sights. However the politicians are a huge problem. They can’t find ways to cut expenses yet we the taxpayers are funding their huge homes and $70k vehicles. They make over $50k a year which is ridiculous when we have to pay taxes that won’t even fix the bad roads. Instead they tear up perfectly good roads and ignore the ones with crater sized potholes.

Even though gas taxes are not too terrible, you got a ton of people driving way over the speed limit which also uses more gas up. They dont seem to mind though because they’re getting upset with me for driving 55mph instead of 60mph and they dont always like me driving 60 either.

It’s gotten ridiculous with the costs and taxes.

On to the other topic so I did freak out a bit when I saw my favorite crush drive up (I could see it with the door ajar and even though the window) I was already getting ready to leave to go to the other plant but it just seems that I’m not ready to see her quite yet.

Also for Friday and Monday during her 12:30pm lunch I got this vibe of feeling anxious or anxiety. Like I wonder if she was worried I might try to talk to her again or something. I really don’t know what’s going on there… I keep rationalizing it, that’s it’s just all in my head but also I was a bit rattled when I saw her drive up. I’m not sure whether she came by my workstation because I was facing the other way letting a coworker/friend know I have done the first pass with some parts. I also kept far away when I was heading to the other plant. The only thing I can think of at the moment is maybe she’s wondering why I’m not there when she is so maybe shes worried that I’m avoiding her. Like she might feel bad for canceling the lunch.

But see I don’t know and as far as what I’m doing, I’m moving on. So maybe being in the vicinity is doing something rather than avoiding the plant entirely. So it appears to be doing something, I hope. We’ll see what happens over the week.

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So last week was a struggle for me to move on from my crush, today I just kept thinking a bunch of different things and realized, even if I dont see my crush. Its difficult to move on.

And a few things I wonder, is she really interested and just timid about it like me or is it just me struggling with moving on? The biggest problem is if shes timid she may not try to find me or to seek me out by asking someone at work to help us talk to one another again.

Right now I’m in the other plant just holding out, mainly because I got stuff to do there. But I’m also afraid that I may run out of things to do and I’ll end up having to go to the same plant as her.

I dont want to do that unless I know for sure she likes me.. and at the same time I gotta figure out how to move on. And pretty much the only 2 ways for me to figure that out is either we run into one another or that she tells someone along the lines of telling me “you know this woman is wondering about where you are” or something that signifies that at least she likes my company.

I regret asking her if she wanted to talk during lunch and it just makes me more timid to even find out on my own. Another thing happened today as I was driving to the highway on the way home. I’m not quite sure but I got worked up over it was someone with a SUV that looked like hers (I actually was thinking it was her).

Well this SUV was on a side street waiting to turn and when traffic started moving I went to pass the intersection this driver was turning off of (to the right of me, there was 2 lanes) and then noticed the driver was pulling out. So I added more power to my acceleration to avoid getting hit but ended up stopping. Sure enough they pulled right behind me. I couldn’t see the driver due to the tinted windows. I guess I could have tried looking really hard through the windshield (with my side/rear mirrors) but at that point I think I was a bit worried it was her.

This made things worse because despite hoping it didn’t make things worse, but I feel like I did. Either way I dont feel comfortable being in the other plant. Of course this could have been someone else entirely and I’m just freaking out over nothing.

At this point I really need some prayers because I dont know what to think anymore. If she likes me then I hope she can find some way to get to me, besides sensing her (if I am) and trying to get me into the same plant. It’s not easy for me to figure these things out and often times I get so tired of it, I just find any excuse to avoid it all. I’m very timid when it comes to women I’m interested in and I don’t even know why I am considering I hardly know much about her other than shes attractive and I like the car she drives. That’s certainly not enough to get so worked up over. Its possible that I just had a crush on her for so long and in the beginning she seemed interested (unless she was thinking something else) that I’m just so attached to her already.

I’m not even looking for anyone right now so it’s just all too confusing for me… I keep praying it will all work out.

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I had an idea which can only benefit both ways. I’m rescheduling my hours so I dont run into this woman I’ve been talking about (I dont even know her name, that is how timid I am now). She usually shows up at 5-6am so I’ll work in the plant (plant 5) at 4am to 445am instead of being there at 5. I’ll clock out and work the remainder in plant 4 (considering there is plenty of stuff to do but want to stay there) and wait and see. Maybe she’ll wonder what happened and try to find me which will be really easy.

Otherwise I can just move on at least without having to bear my mistakes in front of me by having more awkward moments and it’ll be more difficult to move on if shes really not interested and I have to see her every so often.

If there was a connection though, she will try to find me as this has happened in the past and I didn’t even speak to those women, but they had a way of popping up in weird locations where basically I end up walking right up to them without even realizing it. Same thing could happen here. It all depends on the person I guess and however long it takes me to forget that person.

Just this time I hope I’m not timid enough to not say anything. Hopefully I’ll smile and have a conversation. It doesn’t stop the fact I’m just terrible with women but perhaps I need to figure out instinctively on what to do. And this is about the only thing I can figure out how to do that while stopping the craziness on whether there really is a connection.

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