Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Rejection’

Pain and peril, mutation of me.
Alone I’ve dwelled in the dark surrounding me.
Chained in hell by the new one in me.
It found a way from hell defiling my dreams.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts call the shots.

Pain and peril, delusions set free.
I’ve paid the price in the night of a misty dream.
Change and peril, the darkness calls me.
They came through me, from hell beneath the trees.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts bring my fall.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

With strength I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

In pain I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

I found it harder to come back.
I found the surface more dark
than its been before and I’ve
been fighting for a long time.

Why am I afraid to be alive?
What have I done to feel confined?
What did I do to feel this way?
The only thing I feel is the pain.

The pain.

I’ve seen my holocaust.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

Scarred by the faceless demons I’ve been
Scarred by my flesh-eating thoughts I’ve been
Scarred to the point where the pain, it won’t stop

I needed to hear this song because besides different meanings this song speaks what I am currently facing (see last posts) why am I so afraid of relationships or friendships?

Among the reasons why I don’t consider relationships the main reason is i can’t handle them. But also I’m afraid of friendships so I stick to colleagues. Among failing to see the facts that the ones I like are not obtainable. Perhaps it’s me. I don’t really know but this song resonates this. Also here’s another along the same theme.

The price of existence.
Our stagnant bodies bound
in a time of the living.
And nothing’s what it’s been.

I have drowned in this vague world.
We pretend, but the madness always on deep
inside our sleeping state, where our black thoughts thrive.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed.
Hidden deep down in me.

Failure of resistance.
Welcome, the wave of rage.
So far in the distance, but so close in our blood and veins.

I’ll fight this sentence.
Nothing’s real inside this scope.
I’ll fight my condition.
Nothing will ever break or harm, us strange.

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed. Hidden deep down in me.

We’ll face them all.
We’ll face them all.
We’ll take it all.
We’ll take it all.

How can I be so afraid of living?
We’re the ghosts of this world.

I’m tired of this mess.
I’m tired of thoughts eating myself from the inside out.

I’ve waited so long and the only thing I know.
No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be free.

But nothing seems to ever unfold.
At least my sight calms somewhat.
I’m living this curse and I don’t know what to feel inside me now.

The filth, the black has almost swallowed me.
In a time, where the compulsions have start to feast.
I’ve been drowned by the sickness that’s controlling me.
In a time where no-one seems care one bit.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

Read Full Post »

Edit: I got my answer pretty much. It seems she’ll avoid me throughout the day now and it’s pretty apparent she never had an interest in me. Somehow she thought I was or something. I really didn’t want to have this happen again, I don’t even try to.. but now I gotta find a way to move on…

The last woman I was interested in ended in a bad way. Feeling rejected I told myself to never get involved with anyone ever again, especially a co worker, hence my previous post was centered around a co worker who seemed to have the hots for me.

Well soon after I wrote that post I became interested. Its unclear if she is still interested or even ever was, it could have been me subconsciously trying to make it seem like she was, but maybe it’s just me interested and she’s probably just wondering why I don’t really talk like what most of the other men do there.

The biggest hurdle for me right now is the fear of being rejected again. I didn’t take it too well the last time and it’s really not fun to have to deal with it with having to see the person at work after they rejected you. So now history is repeating itself and now I have been stupid enough to get too involved where I should have been more firm with my rule, don’t date a co worker. That includes talking to them possibly sparking an infatuation with them.

I don’t know this woman’s name but I find her attractive which doesn’t help and I have been avoiding the idea of sparking a social encounter but every morning I work, I’ve been saying hi and smiling to her hoping that she’ll make the first move. It probably won’t work causing her to move on and possibly making things way too awkward and I’ll end up spiraling down even further by never getting involved with a woman.

But at the same time she seems like the type to want kids or already has one and that’s another problem, I don’t want kids. Mainly I don’t want to bring someone into this world because of all the hate, corruption, greed and high cost of living. I’m ok with adopting when I’m financially well. The fact im barely holding it together financially trying to get a new car, a 2019 or 2020 Dodge Challenger and I’ll most likely end up with the V6 3.6L version. Which is fine because I don’t need the Hemi V8 or the 800hp Dodge Demon until I’m retired anyway.

Back to this woman I’m just not sure if it’s a good idea to get involved mainly due to kids. Of course I haven’t even really talked to her because I’m too mentally unstable to deal with another rejection case. It would actually be worse if I started talking to her because I would be more likely to have an emotional bond with her and if things go south, I’ll end up with a worse psyche than I already got and with women, I’m already fractured to the point of no return. So while I’m flirting with this danger I think that if she is one of those women who will approach me it’ll be less painful, but if she forces me to try which i am trying little by little it’s already leading to problems. Other then the morning I have had no luck in trying to bump into her making it seem like this isn’t going to work.

And believe me for the most part i haven’t cared. It was until she started saying morning is when I started getting interested but anywhere else I seen her it was always stupid glances or stares. So while every morning we can say our hello, that’s about as far as I’m willing to take it unless something happens or she decides to approach me it’s unlikely we’ll even be work friends. I’m at least interested in that but if I do too much work to try to talk to her it’ll never work out because I would get too obsessed over her and right now I’m just sort of rattled but if she left today I’d be able to move on easy but most likely avoid any other interaction with other women. If she can’t help me no one else will be capable of handling the task because I’ll be putting my foot down declaring I won’t ever get involved with any woman, even if she makes very signal in the world to get me involved.

I’m just in terrible shape and getting rattled over her without even knowing her shows how bad my mental state is with women really is. I’m not ready for a relationship or dating and I’m not sure if I’m capable of a female work friend yet. Hopefully she understands it’s going to take time for me to work through this and all I can do is take it one step at a time, try to deal with day to day, not the future. If it doesn’t work out it’s more of a reason for me not to get involved with someone. We’ll see but I’m not getting my hopes up with this woman. I am not ready to go through another rejection and already it seems like she may have started to give up but for now the mornings are working well.

The best part is im working in the nearby plant so I can at least focus on trying to make myself more comfortable around her and she may feel comfortable enough to have a brief conversation if she’s really that interested. Doesn’t help that there are other women that the guys have been trying to get me to talk to awhile back but since i won’t be there for several days it might be easier to interact with her throughout the day later on.. but it’ll be difficult because these other two women are constantly around one of them keeps staring in my general location and that just is way uncomfortable and I’m trying to focus on the one i lije who looks more my age. I’m 39 and these other woman must be in their 20s. Either way I don’t have any interest in them even if the one i like doesn’t work out.

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: