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Posts Tagged ‘friendships’

Edit: I got my answer pretty much. It seems she’ll avoid me throughout the day now and it’s pretty apparent she never had an interest in me. Somehow she thought I was or something. I really didn’t want to have this happen again, I don’t even try to.. but now I gotta find a way to move on…

The last woman I was interested in ended in a bad way. Feeling rejected I told myself to never get involved with anyone ever again, especially a co worker, hence my previous post was centered around a co worker who seemed to have the hots for me.

Well soon after I wrote that post I became interested. Its unclear if she is still interested or even ever was, it could have been me subconsciously trying to make it seem like she was, but maybe it’s just me interested and she’s probably just wondering why I don’t really talk like what most of the other men do there.

The biggest hurdle for me right now is the fear of being rejected again. I didn’t take it too well the last time and it’s really not fun to have to deal with it with having to see the person at work after they rejected you. So now history is repeating itself and now I have been stupid enough to get too involved where I should have been more firm with my rule, don’t date a co worker. That includes talking to them possibly sparking an infatuation with them.

I don’t know this woman’s name but I find her attractive which doesn’t help and I have been avoiding the idea of sparking a social encounter but every morning I work, I’ve been saying hi and smiling to her hoping that she’ll make the first move. It probably won’t work causing her to move on and possibly making things way too awkward and I’ll end up spiraling down even further by never getting involved with a woman.

But at the same time she seems like the type to want kids or already has one and that’s another problem, I don’t want kids. Mainly I don’t want to bring someone into this world because of all the hate, corruption, greed and high cost of living. I’m ok with adopting when I’m financially well. The fact im barely holding it together financially trying to get a new car, a 2019 or 2020 Dodge Challenger and I’ll most likely end up with the V6 3.6L version. Which is fine because I don’t need the Hemi V8 or the 800hp Dodge Demon until I’m retired anyway.

Back to this woman I’m just not sure if it’s a good idea to get involved mainly due to kids. Of course I haven’t even really talked to her because I’m too mentally unstable to deal with another rejection case. It would actually be worse if I started talking to her because I would be more likely to have an emotional bond with her and if things go south, I’ll end up with a worse psyche than I already got and with women, I’m already fractured to the point of no return. So while I’m flirting with this danger I think that if she is one of those women who will approach me it’ll be less painful, but if she forces me to try which i am trying little by little it’s already leading to problems. Other then the morning I have had no luck in trying to bump into her making it seem like this isn’t going to work.

And believe me for the most part i haven’t cared. It was until she started saying morning is when I started getting interested but anywhere else I seen her it was always stupid glances or stares. So while every morning we can say our hello, that’s about as far as I’m willing to take it unless something happens or she decides to approach me it’s unlikely we’ll even be work friends. I’m at least interested in that but if I do too much work to try to talk to her it’ll never work out because I would get too obsessed over her and right now I’m just sort of rattled but if she left today I’d be able to move on easy but most likely avoid any other interaction with other women. If she can’t help me no one else will be capable of handling the task because I’ll be putting my foot down declaring I won’t ever get involved with any woman, even if she makes very signal in the world to get me involved.

I’m just in terrible shape and getting rattled over her without even knowing her shows how bad my mental state is with women really is. I’m not ready for a relationship or dating and I’m not sure if I’m capable of a female work friend yet. Hopefully she understands it’s going to take time for me to work through this and all I can do is take it one step at a time, try to deal with day to day, not the future. If it doesn’t work out it’s more of a reason for me not to get involved with someone. We’ll see but I’m not getting my hopes up with this woman. I am not ready to go through another rejection and already it seems like she may have started to give up but for now the mornings are working well.

The best part is im working in the nearby plant so I can at least focus on trying to make myself more comfortable around her and she may feel comfortable enough to have a brief conversation if she’s really that interested. Doesn’t help that there are other women that the guys have been trying to get me to talk to awhile back but since i won’t be there for several days it might be easier to interact with her throughout the day later on.. but it’ll be difficult because these other two women are constantly around one of them keeps staring in my general location and that just is way uncomfortable and I’m trying to focus on the one i lije who looks more my age. I’m 39 and these other woman must be in their 20s. Either way I don’t have any interest in them even if the one i like doesn’t work out.

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I definitely need a reboot here. I’m getting some of the classic signs, i copied some of the stuff from the link below,

Health problems caused or exacerbated by stress include
Depression and anxiety
Sleep problems
Pain of any kind
Skin conditions, such as eczema

Signs and symptoms of stress overload
Memory problems
Inability to concentrate
Poor judgment
Seeing only the negative
Anxious or racing thoughts
Constant worrying
Anxiety and agitation
Moodiness, irritability, or anger
Feeling overwhelmed
Sleeping too much or too little
Withdrawing from others
Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

How much stress is too much?
Because of the widespread damage stress can cause, it’s important to know your own limit. But just how much stress is “too much” differs from person to person. Some people seem to be able to roll with life’s punches, while others tend to crumble in the face of small obstacles or frustrations. Some people even thrive on the excitement of a high-stress lifestyle.

Stress Symptoms, Signs, and Causes

I tend to fall in the crumbling in the face of small obstacles and frustration.

Today i didn’t really want to do much of anything, sure earlier today (or yesterday) i wrote something but among some of the symptoms, i sleep too much. Didn’t really want to do anything, but of course did some shopping at least. Some of it is exhaustion from work but sleeping around 4 hours today? Yeah, it is stress because procrastination and withdrawing from others are some of the others. I don’t think i ever fully recovered from my previous job which was a stress storm of anxiety. I definitely need a reboot and i’m not exactly sure how i’m going to accomplish this. I already am in the process of buying a home and i’m just wondering.. since today was supposed to be my home inspection but now is delayed until Friday i’m just wondering if i’m still able to back out.. but i don’t think i really want to or could really because i do need to get a home closer to work.

It’s really not clear what is causing my stress to be so overwhelming. Sure getting a new home is stressful and my current job is somewhat stressful at times and my father annoys me to no end (hence the previous 2 blog posts). I eat pretty much ok as i have been getting meals from my stepmom and they are pretty healthy stuff, but maybe i could exercise a bit more, although the area i am at now isn’t exactly a good place to go out and walk or ride my bike around. I do get exercise at work. I do struggle with friendships i’m not exactly sure what it is but i can never stay connected with friends for very long and i do tend to isolate myself from people, especially in recent years.

Again i don’t think i fully recovered and maybe taking some time off will do me some good when i get my new place (that’s if i get it, with all these roadblocks in the way). I can’t really be doing this all the time though, when i am off work i am usually just watching tv, which is much better than sleeping.. but on my days off, i generally sleep 2-4 hours during the day which shows i do have a stress/anxiety problem. I definitely need a reboot as i don’t want to continue having to do this on the regular basis. If i need 2-4 hours of sleep every once in awhile it’s no big deal but since this is a regular occurrence i really need something..  while music does help, it only helps to a certain extent and i need to know what will work for me. I really need to figure this out…

I would like to add that this sleeping problem has been an issue since working at my previous job. When i would get 3 days off i would sleep a lot and more than often i would sleep when i wasn’t working. Probably around 12 hours a day (that includes the normal 8 hours). Much of my stress and anxiety happened during my previous job, lack of income and i am thinking that problem hasn’t been entirely gone away or out of force of habit i tend to sleep, although generally if i take a nap it’s because i get tired. Again it’s unclear if it’s a habit or that i am still struggling with stress and anxiety. Of course the stress of buying a new home is there, but since i am nearly done with this only thing that is left is the home inspection and the appraisal, but there is a slight chance i won’t get the home.. which would actually add stress considering now i have to do the process over again of finding a home.. at this point i just want it to be over and done with. Once i get the home the stress levels should go down. I can only hope that it does…

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Is that your only entertainment? (Spoiling your desire)
To blow your minds on a one-way track
From a distance…

Building knowledge out of flexible existence
Hunt for adrenaline is staggering, grand lack of emotions
You’ll never face conclusions, you’ll get what you want
Am I really an exception?

Is that your only entertainment? (Spoiling your desire)
To blow your minds on a one-way track
I tell you a lie and you make it a statement (Sleeping in denial)
You’re all wasting the time of your lives

Distance – Soilwork

This is been me for quite awhile now. At least feeling like i am wasting my life. Eh, not entirely but i work all week and then when i come home for the weekend i’m mostly watching tv, playing videogames or surfing the internet. I used to work in retail and i never had enough money to do anything. Fast forward to day i work in a factory and i came to notice many of the people there get drunk and party. Well that’s not really my thing, especially as an introvert.

So this song kinda fits that but including with me i tend to do the same things. Stuff that is probably meaningless but i do it anyway. And having to clean my apartment (and sleeping) i really felt like i wasted my weekend. Well i needed to clean my apartment, is one thing and i didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time cleaning (more like i need to organize) but i do question what i am doing with my time. I don’t get to hang out with friends that often anymore (mostly because they’re all busy) and finding metalhead friends is so far and few between as it is. I’m not that introverted to the point where i need to isolate myself from all human contact but it hasn’t been as simple as it used to be to find new friends that actually have the time to be friends. Most of the people i either hang out with now are people (at work) or my dad, stepmom and my stepsister. And while i mostly am just talking to people i’m friends with at work sometimes i’d like to go out and do something.

As i’m typing this, Sunday is practically over. I have to get ready for the work week in which i don’t get to be at home, i’m at my fathers place all week. That does really need to change, but i have not found a closer place to work yet. Been trying to find a townhouse with an attached garage. With the limiting funds though it’s not easy. While i am making more i have a income to debt ratio especially when i have a limit of money in my savings. Buying a new home is costly, but it’s either that or spending near as much every month for an apartment. And i am tired of apartment living. In any case this is a strain on me to find a closer place, either that or i’ll have to start driving home daily, which puts more wear and tear on my old vehicle. I don’t mind the mileage as the maintenance is kept up, but the roads here tear up vehicles. And having a pet at home, a cat this makes matters even worse. She likes being home apposed to my dad’s and i think it’s because of too many people/animals there. 2 cats and a dog. So i definitely need to find a new place pronto not only for my sake but my cat. But, at this point nothing is found. I may have to sacrifice getting a place with a garage but also my car is being used as a garage. It’s tacky, hence the requirement to find a place that has a garage, plus i don’t have to dust/scrape off my car in the mornings.

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