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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Well I had a bit of a mental illness breakdown. Its all because I’m having trouble understanding whether or not my crush has an interest in me. I keep going from I think we’re cool, to this is frustrating.. especially when I see my crush hugging another guy at work. I sort of let it go then it became to I didn’t see her the next day. Was going to approach her but chickened out.

I kept thinking where are the signs if she does like me? Or the signs she doesn’t like me. A gut feeling isnt going to make me understand whether she does. I just know I like and am interested in her.

So now I’m hiding out in the other plant again but there isnt anything to do in the plant my crush works in so.. but flipping out online and a few people claiming she rejected me is just a sign to take it a notch back. If shes not interested, oh well time to move on. If she is.. going to need proof. I got guys from that plant asking me how are things going with me and her. Well I usually just say it’s ok which it is. Even one guy claimed she was single but I tried taking that with a grain of salt.

So needless to say if any of them ask how are things going, well going to flat out say “I don’t believe that shes interested in me” because at this point that’s the truth and why I can’t even approach her. Thankfully I only took my frustrations online and not really at anyone. Most of the stuff was delete-able but not what I said to a person online… which I suppose is ok.

So some time apart will do me some good. Things were starting to go great but now I need to work on controlling my fears of her not liking me and this is where I just need to find out somehow if she does. But I’m doing it passively by just sticking to the other plant for the time being. I dont know for how long or if I will even see/talk to her again. I feel like I failed a test that I can never recover from. Or I can but I have to be very careful from now on. But I just dont have a clue if she likes me or not and everytime I thought she did it ends up being questioned. The fact I dont know and dont have enough confidence prevents me from approaching her.

I dont know if she was there today though because I didn’t see her car, which at first I thought she might have been avoiding me. This is crazy, it something most people can do but I happen to be one where its completely impossible for me to accomplish. So I need prayers. Either shes not interested and I need to move on or she is and I need to know in order to move forward. Because at this point I dont think she does and I’m just not going to see her anymore. If she does like me well.. hopefully something will happen. If not, I pray I never meet anyone else because the same thing will just happen with another woman. And there’s someone online who likes me but they’re too far away and I’m not interested so its easier to leave it alone. Hopefully there is nothing needing to forgive but I feel guilty for saying a few things I shouldn’t have like I wish she’d go away… just overall feelings of anger and frustration. Need a ton of prayers that I can be more calm if this situation is being confronted again. Just glad I didn’t say this to anyone at work.

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Even though she bailed, I sort of moved on (not really but..) I have to seek forgiveness. I realised why she bailed for two reasons. One well, being that I moved on her too quickly by asking her to meet with me during lunch. It may have scared her (and it may be possible that she does really like me but is really timid, but I’m not going to assume that yet). The other reason.. well it might be possible that I made tbe mistake with a past woman who thought I was interested in her. Early on a co worker at a retail store asked me if I liked this cashier. I thought she was attractive but it wasn’t meant that I was interested.

Well that escalated quickly into her thinking that I was interested and I asked her if we could talk during break. We managed to work that out and we had a good conversation but afterwards I ignored her.. mainly because I wasn’t really into her. She was great to talk with but early on I found out she was vegan and her Myspace (the early Myspace days) and onother blog where she broke up with her boyfriend because he didn’t share her enthusiasm with being a Christian (she left for a year to go to some Christian bible camp) and later started going on a lot about Jesus and God.

I believed in that stuff, my dad was a hardcore Christian like her.. but I’m not huge into it like I don’t share the same infinity to go to church, take a bible study group and strictly keeping friends who are the same.

I don’t hang around bad crowds, get drunk or do drugs. I dont sleep with women, I’d rather save for a special woman. Heck I won’t even tear off those mattress labels.

I fail at being a good person all the time but I try. It gets tough when someone or something makes me angry though. My father had a lot of anger issues which led me to be disinterested in Christianity. There was others who were uptight about everything and i didn’t want to end up that way. After working with many Mexicans I noticed I like how they react to different situations, a few of them get pissy every so often but there is a ton of positivity and good energy (minus some of them trying to hook me up with a woman). I’ve also started watching the early seasons of Hawaii Five-O reboot. Besides having a ton of great action I like the interaction between Steve and Danny. Many of it is hilarious, but the whole team cares about one another (like they do in NCIS and MacGyver, both versions) and I like that. My current job co workers do the same, its like I told one of my bosses that my brake lines rusted out, causing brake loss and had to use the handbrake she was like, I need a new car.. but for now I gotta work with it but she wanted me to be safe. It shows that they dont just want to be a boss, they also want you to be safe and what not.

I had too much negativity in my life which isnt good. There still is but I’m dredging through it.

Back to this woman (the one from the Myspace days) I liked her, but for 2 reasons I just couldn’t proceed through it. Her being a vegan, it scared me off because I dont know how to handle it. We talked a bit but it felt a little forced…

Fast forward to my current crush, I wonder if maybe she thinks I would stop talking to her because in the beginning I did avoid/ignore her nor I really smiled when we crossed paths. I was caught up in work and wasn’t thinking about women (I had sort of given up at that time as well after Kaitlyn). Realizing a co worker trying to set me up with another woman who ended up in my field of vision, I just wasn’t interested. Seeing how I was interested in someone else (that I just feel I have a connection with) I wanted to focus on that but really just didn’t know how to and while I still don’t I know I have to seek forgiveness with her and hopefully be able to focus on trying to forma. friendship with her. If later on we start seeing each other and end up being a couple. I’m completely all for it. I would really like that and while it’s sort of on the table, I really do hope there is potential for that.

If not, and I have to accept that willingly (because I screwed up with Kaitlyn) and at least be great friends. It’ll be difficult, especially if she already thinks I’m interested in her and want a relationship but one of the things is. I won’t do anything until both of us are ready. If she doesn’t want a relationship with me, that’s fine. I just dont want her to feel like she has to avoid me because I’m attracted to her. I don’t want to do the same because I think she isn’t interested or because I’m too scared to find out.

Really all I want is to feel comfortable around her and for her to feel the same and we can get to know one another better. I felt a ton of anxiety being around the same plant as her and even during moments of just working. And I am scared to do this but I’ll just be there and see if she passes by and start off small and slow. I wont ask her to meet for lunch or do any approaching other than maybe a brief conversation. I will just wait for us to bump into one another. I dont want any more mistakes and I really need a ton of prayers with this. Hopefully I wont feel too anxious or scared and breaking the ice for first encounter hopefully on Monday or whenever I’ll just smile and say hi that it’ll progress. A lot of prayers for many other things is needed but for one, there has to be a reason why she appeared to try to get my attention. I want to find out what that was. Maybe she does like me but gave up. Or maybe she thinks I like someone else. Who knows what else. This is a struggle but when she bailed on the lunch meet, I felt hurt by it. And I forgive her. Hopefully she can do the same, especially since it’s been three weeks since we ran into one another. So we’ll see what happens and I hope it all works out.

I feel bi polar with this and its because I’m interested in her but I’ve been hurt too many times so I’m going back and forth with this and there’s just a battle going on. Need prayers with this as well.

Also my dad is Lutheran not Catholic. I’m not really sure of the difference but most people I know are Catholic.

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Considering the fact nothing has happened since I tried meeting her for lunch 2 weeks ago I’m going to have to really really try to forget about her. I have to assume these are my feelings and not hers. I have to assume she was just trying to be friendly and the reason for her staring at me and trying to find me or whatever is with that friendliness. I have no choice but to assume I have no chance with her.

A lot of assuming here which isn’t good but in my case I really need to. I can’t no longer deal with these feelings when she may not feel the same way. She may have zero interest, she may be involved with someone else.

But the facts is, nothing is happening. I’m trying to see if shes interested and so far no dice. Been 2 weeks already and not as much as some kind of hint. So its gotta stop. If she really is interested, well I’ve been leaving the ball in her court because it’s just painful to try to get courage to be able to even just have a lunch only to be shot down later on.

It was terrible but I was giving her a chance to try to do something but she wont so unfortunately, I’m out. And in my mind I was rejected yet again for the 10th time. So we’ll see what happens, the longer she waits the harder it’ll be for me to open up.

But at this point the reason I was so nervous on Monday was the fact that I am starting to think shes just got no interest. And I got a problem with handling crushes. I cant give into it anymore… this I definitely need lots of prayers for.

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So yes another blog about the woman at work that I got a crush on, and actually i think it’s a really crazy for her crush. It’s almost like I’m in love with her…

Let’s back up so the day after I wrote the previous blog I came to the realization that maybe she doesn’t really know where I am at (like i was on vacation or something) so today I came in extra early in the plant she works in to do some odd stuff which was just putting unground parts into containers to toss onto these shelves we have.

It was still within view so if she walked in she would probably notice me. I also parked my car in the usual spot. I stopped parking there mainly due to the fact I can’t see around the corner to the street but I wanted to see if she knew what car i drove.

Anyways she didn’t do much of anything and I got some intense feelings throughout the morning and it was more intense during her lunch time which was like at 12:30pm

I know I gotta stop overthinking this which may be leading to these feelings, that I’m somehow manifesting them making it seem like she likes me or has some sort of feelings for me.

Unfortunately there are still many possibilities why she didn’t try anything today. She could be scared or not interested. The fact remains is that I may never know because I’m still too scared to just be at my workstation. Unfortunately after she bailed out on our lunch meet this made this problem ten times worse. I’m already uncomfortable and timid around her. The thing is, I really enjoy these feelings. It feels like I am really in love with her. That’s one reason why I’m so scared to do anything. I thought by talking to her more that these feelings would be easier to control. Because when I am around her I dont feel the strong feelings at the moment. The feelings are strongest when we are apart.

But now I’m not even curious to see if shes interested. I keep thinking she isnt even though she appeared to have an interest early on which I was automatically avoiding it. Her staring at me one day really had me thinking she had an interest in me. I avoided and ignored her for like a week before I got the nerve to say hi to her when she passed by my workstation.

A lot of it had to do with me not wanting to take the risk because of my past failures. I may discuss that in another blog but one comes to mind. The one girl who was interested in me wasnt at all what I wanted. Well ok she had big breasts which I liked, however it really stopped right there. She didn’t get along with her family and she didn’t have a positive vibe. Really I didn’t like anything about her. Her personality was dull and it was like hanging out with a guy. She ended up being a stalker.

The woman I like is almost a polar opposite of that. I didn’t even try or care about my stalker. Maybe that’s the problem. I really like this woman it’s making things difficult, but I really would enjoy my crush to stalk me. She sorta did in the beginning but I dont know what happened with that.

So I’m really just confused and unsure. It’s not even that easy for me to find someone I’m interested in and like I said it appeared that she had an interest or maybe it was the fact she noticed I was timid and she just wanted to say hi. Unfortunately the way it appeared to me is that she was interested and tried to get my attention. She sure did and unfortunately I’m obsessing over her. Everytime I try to move on and when I finally almost do, the feelings come back strong.

So yeah dont know what to do now….

If she does like me, it needs to work out somehow. If I’m just obsessing over her and she doesn’t care or whatever then this needs to stop.

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So last week was a struggle for me to move on from my crush, today I just kept thinking a bunch of different things and realized, even if I dont see my crush. Its difficult to move on.

And a few things I wonder, is she really interested and just timid about it like me or is it just me struggling with moving on? The biggest problem is if shes timid she may not try to find me or to seek me out by asking someone at work to help us talk to one another again.

Right now I’m in the other plant just holding out, mainly because I got stuff to do there. But I’m also afraid that I may run out of things to do and I’ll end up having to go to the same plant as her.

I dont want to do that unless I know for sure she likes me.. and at the same time I gotta figure out how to move on. And pretty much the only 2 ways for me to figure that out is either we run into one another or that she tells someone along the lines of telling me “you know this woman is wondering about where you are” or something that signifies that at least she likes my company.

I regret asking her if she wanted to talk during lunch and it just makes me more timid to even find out on my own. Another thing happened today as I was driving to the highway on the way home. I’m not quite sure but I got worked up over it was someone with a SUV that looked like hers (I actually was thinking it was her).

Well this SUV was on a side street waiting to turn and when traffic started moving I went to pass the intersection this driver was turning off of (to the right of me, there was 2 lanes) and then noticed the driver was pulling out. So I added more power to my acceleration to avoid getting hit but ended up stopping. Sure enough they pulled right behind me. I couldn’t see the driver due to the tinted windows. I guess I could have tried looking really hard through the windshield (with my side/rear mirrors) but at that point I think I was a bit worried it was her.

This made things worse because despite hoping it didn’t make things worse, but I feel like I did. Either way I dont feel comfortable being in the other plant. Of course this could have been someone else entirely and I’m just freaking out over nothing.

At this point I really need some prayers because I dont know what to think anymore. If she likes me then I hope she can find some way to get to me, besides sensing her (if I am) and trying to get me into the same plant. It’s not easy for me to figure these things out and often times I get so tired of it, I just find any excuse to avoid it all. I’m very timid when it comes to women I’m interested in and I don’t even know why I am considering I hardly know much about her other than shes attractive and I like the car she drives. That’s certainly not enough to get so worked up over. Its possible that I just had a crush on her for so long and in the beginning she seemed interested (unless she was thinking something else) that I’m just so attached to her already.

I’m not even looking for anyone right now so it’s just all too confusing for me… I keep praying it will all work out.

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This woman I have been talking about has been avoiding me ever since I thought she had agreed to meet. But now besides being terrified of her (and I’m already extremely timid around her) I may have to cut my overtime hours in the plant where she works. But now I really feel bad for even suggesting the thought we would hang out..

I dont even feel comfortable in that plant anymore and I’ve been working in a different plant. I didn’t foresee this problem but unfortunately I just did it again. And now I’m losing money… all because of my stupidity. I really hate crushes and an attraction towards someone because now it’s just painful. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What did I do to provoke angry spirits that made this even possible? Its Kaitlyn all over again.

All I feel now is pain of losing another possible soulmate. If she ever was one in the first place. I know I’ve gotten a little angry over women who have rejected me, but not this current woman. No all I feel is sadness and fear. I am just so tired of feeling a shred of happiness only to plunge down into pain and despair. I know shes only one eo6man out of thousands but why are all the ones I encounter always running away from me? I dont know, lack of confidence or I don’t say the right things at the right moment.

I’m so tired of this pain. It just wont go away. I am depressed…

Clandestinely Now from Solution .45 is playing in my head currently.

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Pain and peril, mutation of me.
Alone I’ve dwelled in the dark surrounding me.
Chained in hell by the new one in me.
It found a way from hell defiling my dreams.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts call the shots.

Pain and peril, delusions set free.
I’ve paid the price in the night of a misty dream.
Change and peril, the darkness calls me.
They came through me, from hell beneath the trees.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts bring my fall.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

With strength I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

In pain I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

I found it harder to come back.
I found the surface more dark
than its been before and I’ve
been fighting for a long time.

Why am I afraid to be alive?
What have I done to feel confined?
What did I do to feel this way?
The only thing I feel is the pain.

The pain.

I’ve seen my holocaust.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

Scarred by the faceless demons I’ve been
Scarred by my flesh-eating thoughts I’ve been
Scarred to the point where the pain, it won’t stop

I needed to hear this song because besides different meanings this song speaks what I am currently facing (see last posts) why am I so afraid of relationships or friendships?

Among the reasons why I don’t consider relationships the main reason is i can’t handle them. But also I’m afraid of friendships so I stick to colleagues. Among failing to see the facts that the ones I like are not obtainable. Perhaps it’s me. I don’t really know but this song resonates this. Also here’s another along the same theme.

The price of existence.
Our stagnant bodies bound
in a time of the living.
And nothing’s what it’s been.

I have drowned in this vague world.
We pretend, but the madness always on deep
inside our sleeping state, where our black thoughts thrive.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed.
Hidden deep down in me.

Failure of resistance.
Welcome, the wave of rage.
So far in the distance, but so close in our blood and veins.

I’ll fight this sentence.
Nothing’s real inside this scope.
I’ll fight my condition.
Nothing will ever break or harm, us strange.

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed. Hidden deep down in me.

We’ll face them all.
We’ll face them all.
We’ll take it all.
We’ll take it all.

How can I be so afraid of living?
We’re the ghosts of this world.

I’m tired of this mess.
I’m tired of thoughts eating myself from the inside out.

I’ve waited so long and the only thing I know.
No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be free.

But nothing seems to ever unfold.
At least my sight calms somewhat.
I’m living this curse and I don’t know what to feel inside me now.

The filth, the black has almost swallowed me.
In a time, where the compulsions have start to feast.
I’ve been drowned by the sickness that’s controlling me.
In a time where no-one seems care one bit.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

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