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I am that sort of person who does not like dealing with unnecessary stress. In fact i can’t deal with stress period. And already i am dealing with stress on the day to day basis. https://www.stress.org/stress-effects/ 

Already i have some of the symptoms of stress one of them is that i am too tired to deal with daily activities. While i don’t think i am dealing with depression i do sleep often which is related to stress. Now i am struggling with basic tasks like organizing or being able to do activities. I have had this problem for quite awhile so it may be possible that some of my stress symptoms are due to bad habits from being stressed.

However this past month and especially past week i got hit hard with some stressors. It is mostly buying a new home which is actually exciting but also stressful at the same time. Attempting to get the home buying process over and done with isn’t going quick enough, which is fine, because my bank is loaning quite a bit of money and there is stuff in between that has to be dealt with. The very fact that this process is stressful, i rely on other things in life to take it easy on me. However that is remained to be seen.

My father has the tendency to stress me out with 100 annoying questions that i wouldn’t dare to ask let alone, if you think there is no such thing as a stupid question.. let me introduce you to my father. Someone who constantly asks dumb questions such as what are you doing at work today (because i work with him) when he is the one that gives me the jobs, not myself. So now i gotta worry about this on the daily basis. But that wasn’t enough, i now all of a sudden have to take MORE RESPONSIBILITY at work by going to a class for a couple of hours a day. Ridiculous. I didn’t have to take this class, there is nothing to be gained by taking this class and it’s just unnecessary headaches and stress. Now again, i am the type of person who avoids stress and conflict so i am now having a bad time. The reason i left my other job was because of too much stress. I just bought a new home so that’s basically sealing the deal that i require this job or something within the pay capacity of my current job.

I really do regret taking on this job to working with my father and also regretting buying a new home but i had to do this for my cat and myself. I can’t be spending work nights at my parents and sleeping in my parents basement because that’s just going backwards. I want to move forward and live on my own. With my newfound job stress and having to deal with more responsibilities i am now open to finding a roommate (thankfully i bought 2 bedrooms) or rather kinda forced to be open but at the very least i am the manager of the place so if the tenant doesn’t follow certain guidelines i can boot them out. Obviously i will give them some time to relocate, unless of course they are not paying their share of the bills or causing problems for me to the point where they need to be gone immediately. I’d probably search for people at churches as they would be more responsible then someone i’d find off the street or hear of someone in need of a place.

But, i didn’t get my new home just for kicks. I really thought about it and needed it, for my cat since i live further away from work from where i am now going to work. It won’t cost me $12 in gas, more like $5-7 on a daily basis. Anyway i also got it because it has a garage and currently my car is being used as a garage. An extra tire in the trunk, tools, car fluids. Basically i fix my own car with the stuff i need inside the car because living in my apartment 7 stories in the air is too far to keep the stuff inside my apartment. Plus i would forget things like oil and power steering fluid when i need it the most, it’s just easier and more effective to leave it in the car. With a garage though, i can do all the stuff right from there if i need to.

But at this point in time i can’t really deal with a whole lot and getting older, there are things i am just not worrying about and could care less about. I don’t really care about having a relationship with someone i don’t even want kids. And speaking of that it’s pretty selfish to say that someone that doesn’t want kids but will have a pet are mentally ill.

 Having Pets Instead Of Kids Should Be Considered A Psychiatric Disorder
We couldn’t afford to have kids

The absurdity of other people telling people like me that wanting pets over children is a mental illness and who cares if you can’t afford kids, God will provide. Which may be true to an extent. You will end up having to deal with money problems, wondering if next weeks paycheck will keep the food on the table and the roof over your families heads. There are some things that i have done that i wished i hadn’t. Spending my weekly paychecks on new cds and dvds every time i got paid i would go and buy some new cds or even a videogame or two. But at that time i was financially care free. Now i question every purchase i make and if i can’t come up with 5 good reasons why i need it i don’t buy it. If any reasons include, i need to live, i don’t need to come up with any other good reasons. And i like to think i’ve become a pro at managing my money fairly well but that’s only half the battle. It’s whether i can save that money, to put away and don’t touch until i need it for something like a car/home repair. Or perhaps buying a second vehicle, which i am looking at trucks which are not cheap these days. But a truck will be good for winter and they are built to move stuff.

Now, anyway back to kids, stress and anxiety. I automatically would have a major anxiety attack if i found out i have kids. Not that i do have any, but having kids is the biggest responsibility in the world today. Would my father say i could handle that, he would even though i absolutely cannot and would not. It is unnecessary stress, life itself is stressful. But we as humans decide what stressors we deal with. I am one that wants to limit the stress down to the bare minimum. I am that guy that would put the home thermostat at 50°F just to save money on the energy bill. Hey, that’s what we got long sleeve shirts for, just layer up and you’ll still be toasty warm. Maybe wear a hat and a scarf. It’s often used as a fashion statement nowadays. Why the need to spend money on something that you could keep warm with other means. They have these covers for windows to help keep the heat or cool air in. Windows are not very good insulators so there are other methods you can use, such as a blanket or it’s as easy as keeping the blinds closed during the summer and open during the winter times.

We’re not talking about energy savings though and i got a little carried away here but at any rate, sometimes i just want to scream at the sky asking God to stop giving me stressful situations because i don’t want it. I almost want to just take the money i do have and go live in the forest. All i’d have to worry about is getting food, shelter, heat, a way to keep cool and the rest of the time i’d be spending fishing or enjoying the great outdoors. Why does modern living have to include so much stress? Life is really too short to be stressed out all the time or even some of the time. It isn’t fun and stress is harmful to your body. And i believe i already hit anxiety levels which is when you are stressed to the max. I may have an anxiety disorder, i don’t know.. maybe perhaps i should see a doctor about that. According to this article,

If you identify with any of the following 7 signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder:

Are you constantly tense, worried, or on edge?
Does your anxiety interfere with your work, school, or family responsibilities?
Are you plagued by fears that you know are irrational, but can’t shake?
Do you believe that something bad will happen if certain things aren’t done a certain way?
Do you avoid everyday situations or activities because they cause you anxiety?
Do you experience sudden, unexpected attacks of heart-pounding panic?
Do you feel like danger and catastrophe are around every corner?

Anxiety Disorders and Anxiety Attacks

I am only this way when i am stressed, i get tense, worried and on edge. I am plagued by fears and i often avoid situations or activities because they can cause anxiety. This mostly includes new things i am not familiar with. But again, these problems only occur if i am stressed out. If i get stressed out, anxiety soon follows and this week was a clear cut sign that i have been stressed to the point of anxiety levels. When i was driving home yesterday, i was venting my frustration and anger towards my father for signing up for things i am not comfortable handling. Soon after driving people were getting into a rush and this guy went around me when i moved to his lane. I was feeling road rage then. I wanted to tail this guy and honk at him but i did restrain myself from doing it but regardless i was still feeling the urge to road rage. It wasn’t just this guy but others and i had to try to calm myself down, i just wanted to get home.

I do see this as a clear cut sign that i just can’t handle dealing with stress. It’s better off that i don’t deal with it at all. I could have just spent $900+ a month on rent with money i will never see again or invest in a $1,200 a month home that i can get something out of it. Had i realized how difficult it was to obtain a home i probably would have just gotten an apartment. And that’s not even half the battle, i still have to do a home inspection and then be responsible for all the appliances there, if something goes wrong with one of them i may have to replace them if they can’t be repaired. However it turns out though, because it may be possible something will go awry and i won’t get the place, if that’s the case though i’ll be seriously disappointed because i already had gone through all this stress in order to get it and it was all for nothing but having to deal with apartment living longer. It could add or lessen the stress levels, but if i get the home i can get information on the year of all the appliances and go from there.

As i am typing this, it’s about 11am on Saturday, i was going to go grocery shopping to get a few things, but being stressed out i got lazy. I don’t think people realize what stress really does to me and i am thinking i may need help, thankfully if i get this new place there’s a church 20 minutes away with some help, hopefully with some prayers and what not that i can find some way of not being as stressed out or at the very least be able to convince my father than i cannot deal with these stresses that come up. I am also listening to some music so that is definitely calming me.

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