Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Anger’

Even though she bailed, I sort of moved on (not really but..) I have to seek forgiveness. I realised why she bailed for two reasons. One well, being that I moved on her too quickly by asking her to meet with me during lunch. It may have scared her (and it may be possible that she does really like me but is really timid, but I’m not going to assume that yet). The other reason.. well it might be possible that I made tbe mistake with a past woman who thought I was interested in her. Early on a co worker at a retail store asked me if I liked this cashier. I thought she was attractive but it wasn’t meant that I was interested.

Well that escalated quickly into her thinking that I was interested and I asked her if we could talk during break. We managed to work that out and we had a good conversation but afterwards I ignored her.. mainly because I wasn’t really into her. She was great to talk with but early on I found out she was vegan and her Myspace (the early Myspace days) and onother blog where she broke up with her boyfriend because he didn’t share her enthusiasm with being a Christian (she left for a year to go to some Christian bible camp) and later started going on a lot about Jesus and God.

I believed in that stuff, my dad was a hardcore Christian like her.. but I’m not huge into it like I don’t share the same infinity to go to church, take a bible study group and strictly keeping friends who are the same.

I don’t hang around bad crowds, get drunk or do drugs. I dont sleep with women, I’d rather save for a special woman. Heck I won’t even tear off those mattress labels.

I fail at being a good person all the time but I try. It gets tough when someone or something makes me angry though. My father had a lot of anger issues which led me to be disinterested in Christianity. There was others who were uptight about everything and i didn’t want to end up that way. After working with many Mexicans I noticed I like how they react to different situations, a few of them get pissy every so often but there is a ton of positivity and good energy (minus some of them trying to hook me up with a woman). I’ve also started watching the early seasons of Hawaii Five-O reboot. Besides having a ton of great action I like the interaction between Steve and Danny. Many of it is hilarious, but the whole team cares about one another (like they do in NCIS and MacGyver, both versions) and I like that. My current job co workers do the same, its like I told one of my bosses that my brake lines rusted out, causing brake loss and had to use the handbrake she was like, I need a new car.. but for now I gotta work with it but she wanted me to be safe. It shows that they dont just want to be a boss, they also want you to be safe and what not.

I had too much negativity in my life which isnt good. There still is but I’m dredging through it.

Back to this woman (the one from the Myspace days) I liked her, but for 2 reasons I just couldn’t proceed through it. Her being a vegan, it scared me off because I dont know how to handle it. We talked a bit but it felt a little forced…

Fast forward to my current crush, I wonder if maybe she thinks I would stop talking to her because in the beginning I did avoid/ignore her nor I really smiled when we crossed paths. I was caught up in work and wasn’t thinking about women (I had sort of given up at that time as well after Kaitlyn). Realizing a co worker trying to set me up with another woman who ended up in my field of vision, I just wasn’t interested. Seeing how I was interested in someone else (that I just feel I have a connection with) I wanted to focus on that but really just didn’t know how to and while I still don’t I know I have to seek forgiveness with her and hopefully be able to focus on trying to forma. friendship with her. If later on we start seeing each other and end up being a couple. I’m completely all for it. I would really like that and while it’s sort of on the table, I really do hope there is potential for that.

If not, and I have to accept that willingly (because I screwed up with Kaitlyn) and at least be great friends. It’ll be difficult, especially if she already thinks I’m interested in her and want a relationship but one of the things is. I won’t do anything until both of us are ready. If she doesn’t want a relationship with me, that’s fine. I just dont want her to feel like she has to avoid me because I’m attracted to her. I don’t want to do the same because I think she isn’t interested or because I’m too scared to find out.

Really all I want is to feel comfortable around her and for her to feel the same and we can get to know one another better. I felt a ton of anxiety being around the same plant as her and even during moments of just working. And I am scared to do this but I’ll just be there and see if she passes by and start off small and slow. I wont ask her to meet for lunch or do any approaching other than maybe a brief conversation. I will just wait for us to bump into one another. I dont want any more mistakes and I really need a ton of prayers with this. Hopefully I wont feel too anxious or scared and breaking the ice for first encounter hopefully on Monday or whenever I’ll just smile and say hi that it’ll progress. A lot of prayers for many other things is needed but for one, there has to be a reason why she appeared to try to get my attention. I want to find out what that was. Maybe she does like me but gave up. Or maybe she thinks I like someone else. Who knows what else. This is a struggle but when she bailed on the lunch meet, I felt hurt by it. And I forgive her. Hopefully she can do the same, especially since it’s been three weeks since we ran into one another. So we’ll see what happens and I hope it all works out.

I feel bi polar with this and its because I’m interested in her but I’ve been hurt too many times so I’m going back and forth with this and there’s just a battle going on. Need prayers with this as well.

Also my dad is Lutheran not Catholic. I’m not really sure of the difference but most people I know are Catholic.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

This woman I have been talking about has been avoiding me ever since I thought she had agreed to meet. But now besides being terrified of her (and I’m already extremely timid around her) I may have to cut my overtime hours in the plant where she works. But now I really feel bad for even suggesting the thought we would hang out..

I dont even feel comfortable in that plant anymore and I’ve been working in a different plant. I didn’t foresee this problem but unfortunately I just did it again. And now I’m losing money… all because of my stupidity. I really hate crushes and an attraction towards someone because now it’s just painful. Why do I keep doing this to myself? What did I do to provoke angry spirits that made this even possible? Its Kaitlyn all over again.

All I feel now is pain of losing another possible soulmate. If she ever was one in the first place. I know I’ve gotten a little angry over women who have rejected me, but not this current woman. No all I feel is sadness and fear. I am just so tired of feeling a shred of happiness only to plunge down into pain and despair. I know shes only one eo6man out of thousands but why are all the ones I encounter always running away from me? I dont know, lack of confidence or I don’t say the right things at the right moment.

I’m so tired of this pain. It just wont go away. I am depressed…

Clandestinely Now from Solution .45 is playing in my head currently.

Read Full Post »

Pain and peril, mutation of me.
Alone I’ve dwelled in the dark surrounding me.
Chained in hell by the new one in me.
It found a way from hell defiling my dreams.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts call the shots.

Pain and peril, delusions set free.
I’ve paid the price in the night of a misty dream.
Change and peril, the darkness calls me.
They came through me, from hell beneath the trees.

Afraid to lose control of it all.
Afraid to go insane in the dark.
Afraid to lose myself in it all.
Afraid to let my ghosts bring my fall.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

With strength I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

In pain I fought the demons away.
Attached on skin but through fur they can’t come in.

I found it harder to come back.
I found the surface more dark
than its been before and I’ve
been fighting for a long time.

Why am I afraid to be alive?
What have I done to feel confined?
What did I do to feel this way?
The only thing I feel is the pain.

The pain.

I’ve seen my holocaust.

Rain of fire protects me.
From death, the sinister haven.
I, the wolf, on top of mountains howl.
Strong and tall above the other hordes.

Scarred by the faceless demons I’ve been
Scarred by my flesh-eating thoughts I’ve been
Scarred to the point where the pain, it won’t stop

I needed to hear this song because besides different meanings this song speaks what I am currently facing (see last posts) why am I so afraid of relationships or friendships?

Among the reasons why I don’t consider relationships the main reason is i can’t handle them. But also I’m afraid of friendships so I stick to colleagues. Among failing to see the facts that the ones I like are not obtainable. Perhaps it’s me. I don’t really know but this song resonates this. Also here’s another along the same theme.

The price of existence.
Our stagnant bodies bound
in a time of the living.
And nothing’s what it’s been.

I have drowned in this vague world.
We pretend, but the madness always on deep
inside our sleeping state, where our black thoughts thrive.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed.
Hidden deep down in me.

Failure of resistance.
Welcome, the wave of rage.
So far in the distance, but so close in our blood and veins.

I’ll fight this sentence.
Nothing’s real inside this scope.
I’ll fight my condition.
Nothing will ever break or harm, us strange.

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

And in myself I feel that I’m always outside the reality.
And inside my fragile me lies the truth concealed. Hidden deep down in me.

We’ll face them all.
We’ll face them all.
We’ll take it all.
We’ll take it all.

How can I be so afraid of living?
We’re the ghosts of this world.

I’m tired of this mess.
I’m tired of thoughts eating myself from the inside out.

I’ve waited so long and the only thing I know.
No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be free.

But nothing seems to ever unfold.
At least my sight calms somewhat.
I’m living this curse and I don’t know what to feel inside me now.

The filth, the black has almost swallowed me.
In a time, where the compulsions have start to feast.
I’ve been drowned by the sickness that’s controlling me.
In a time where no-one seems care one bit.

I can’t be, the only one.
That sees this, that feels the fumes from the motors.
Delusions starts to eat the world as we know it.
Can we ever change ourselves, the strange?

Strange.

We’re hiding the knifes, scared of what we’ll meet.

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: